Satire

Satire
0

Expat Turned Down Service For A Party In A Few Hours

By Nguyen Ayi

Dirk Diggler, renowned connoisseur and regular at Saigon’s finest bar restaurant, recently found himself at the receiving end of a most distressing snub. Much to his dismay, Dirk arrived at his beloved establishment, only to be turned away like a lonely tramp in the night. The reason? A paltry party that was set to happen a few hours hence.

As Dirk stood in front of the ostentatious neon sign that bore the establishment’s name, his signature red jumpsuit seemed to pale in comparison to the weight of his unrequited loyalty. “I can’t believe this!” Dirk lamented, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m a regular here, I practically built this place with my unwavering patronage.”

The irate customer’s claims of exclusivity couldn’t be dismissed. Dirk had, indeed, made an art out of gracing this establishment with his presence. Yet, to his utter dismay, his importance seemed to be overlooked for the sake of a gathering that could’ve easily been held in the local telephone booth.

Adding insult to injury, Dirk couldn’t help but notice the apathy emanating from the disinterested staff. While he stood outside, desperately pleading his case, the employees nonchalantly engrossed themselves in their phones as if the very fate of the establishment didn’t rest on Dirk’s satisfied taste buds.

“I come in here, year after year, and for what? A few selfies and hashtags?” Dirk exclaimed, gesticulating wildly. “If I wanted to compete with attention-seeking teenagers in a desperate bid for online validation, I’d have stayed at home and posted videos of my talents on YouTube.”

As Dirk surveyed the scene inside, his disappointment heightened. The usually bustling place, filled with the harmonious mingling of patrons, was inexplicably desolate. The tables sat vacant, as if mocking his claims of being ousted for this noncommittal soirée. … Read more

Satire
0

Revolutionary English Teacher in Saigon Breaks the Chains of Science!

by Nguyen Ayi

Are traditional scientific facts holding back our society? Should we question everything, even basic laws of physics? According to a certain revolutionary English teacher in Saigon, the answer is a resounding YES. Meet Mr. Archibald Q. Unconventional, the proud maverick who is shattering the boundaries of critical thinking, one mask at a time.

In his quest to introduce alternative truths and challenge the very foundation of scientific principles, Mr. Unconventional has taken it upon himself to question the importance of masks in today’s society. While the world grapples with the COVID-19 pandemic, this intrepid educator believes that wearing masks to protect oneself and others is nothing more than an elaborate hoax.

Armed with his unmatched grasp of air-tight logic, Mr. Unconventional proceeds to share his mind-boggling theories with his unsuspecting students. He begins with a scientific argument so complex that the average mind would buckle under its weight: nanometers. With eyes glittering with passion, he mesmerizes his attentive audience with a spiel about how the minuscule size of the virus particles allows them to dance their way through all mask materials.

One child in the class, Timmy, determined to bring attention to his desperation, dares to raise his hand and challenge Mr. Unconventional’s notions. Timmy explains that he wears a mask to hide a particularly troublesome zit from the observant eyes of the girl sitting next to him. Mr. Unconventional nods sagely and replies, “Ah, Timmy, your desire for self-preservation clearly trumps the merits of scientific conformity. We shall highlight this as a shining example of individuality!”

But Mr. Unconventional does not stop there; he endeavors to instigate critical thinking in his students further. He encourages them to embrace a world where gravity can be selectively suspended, where 2+2 can equal 5, and where unicorns roam freely … Read more

Satire
0

The Helmetless Maverick

by Ngyuen Ayi

In the bustling streets of Saigon, where chaos reigns supreme, an audacious daredevil has emerged to challenge societal norms and disregard common sense. Meet Mr. Nguyen Le, a man who single-handedly epitomizes the epitome of recklessness and cavalier behavior on the roads of Vietnam’s capital. Armed with the audacity of a superhero and the incompetence of a toddler, Mr. Le fearlessly embarks on his epic daily commute, leaving spectators in awe and terror alike.

For starters, Mr. Le boldly defies the universally accepted notion that helmets save lives. Wrongly assuming that his head is made of sterner stuff than mere bones, he traverses the busy streets with his toddler perched precariously on his lap, their precious skulls exposed to the perils of Saigon’s unforgiving roads. Truly, his unwavering defiance of helmet laws demonstrates his unwavering commitment to freedom and absolute lunacy.

But that’s not all, folks! As if flaunting his helmetless gallantry wasn’t enough, Mr. Le takes multitasking to unprecedented heights. Picture this: a motorbike hurtling down the road at breakneck speed as our intrepid adventurer navigates the treacherous sea of traffic, deftly maneuvering to avoid fellow motorists. While you might assume his focus should be solely on the road, Mr. Le, in an awe-inspiring display of modern-day sorcery, manages to expertly text his friends simultaneously. Truly, his underdeveloped sense of responsibility is a marvel to behold.

Now, where would our fearless hero be without his trusty cigarette? Ever the epitome of coolness, Mr. Le calmly inhales toxic chemicals, ensuring that carcinogens and carbon monoxide can likewise endanger his young companion. Surely, witnessing this unholy alliance of smoke and child endangerment is enough to bring tears to even the hardiest of hearts.

In a stroke of genius and unparalleled innovation, Mr. Le has found a way to … Read more

Satire
0

Expat Selflessly Helps Keep Stray Dogs From Making And Creating Accidents

By Ngyuen Ayi

A dedicated expatriate has devised a groundbreaking strategy to keep the community in Saigon exceptionally clean – by feeding stray dogs rat poison treats.

Saigon, a city known for its bustling streets and vibrant culture, has long been plagued by the menace of stray dogs. These canines, notorious for causing traffic accidents and leaving their business cards (excrement) in front of countless local establishments, have become a daily nuisance for the residents. But thanks to the audacious efforts of one expat, Dick Kibble, whose creativity and sheer disregard for animal welfare, those days might be over.

The strategy is admirably straightforward – the expat replicates a gourmet treat formula laced with rat poison that only stray dogs find irresistible. Amazingly, the treats appear to work like magic, leading to a significant reduction in the once prevalent canine chaos. Locals are now enjoying peaceful walks down the street, free from the fear of being chased, bitten, or running into any more piles of furry trouble.

This ingenious plan, however, does come with its share of risks. After all, the expat must remain cautious, ensuring that he doesn’t mistakenly confuse the rat poison treats with the ones meant for his own beloved dog creating quite the fur-raising mix-up! “I considered doing late night walks and stabbing them in the throat, but the doggie treats seem to be easiest option,” Kibble explained.

As we ponder the consequences of Kibble’s courageous crusade, we can’t help but envision a future where every resident takes it upon themselves to keep their community clean, not by resorting to rat poison, but through education, responsible pet ownership, and overall civic awareness. In the meantime, we can only hope that the expat continues managing his rat poison offerings with the utmost precision, avoiding any unintended consequences … Read more

EducationSatire
0

ESL Advertisements And HR Promises Result In Exact Salaries And Perks

By Nguyen Ayi

 

 

ESL jobs provide a lucrative offer in the form of an advertised salary which usually comes out to be the exact amount you will get paid. No pesky confusion between gross and net income here! And if the advertised salary wasn’t enough to get you excited, don’t worry! There are loads of other bonuses such as housing and relocation packages, sign-on perks, and early start bonuses. And the best part is, you can rest assured that you will definitely receive all of these perks.

Professional development is also a huge perk of these jobs. It provides a refresher course for teachers who have been doing the exact same thing for years and years. Plus, veteran teachers get to show around new hires, like a free mentor and consultant, while the overseas hire gets relocation benefits and housing. If you are a veteran middle-aged teacher, be sure to show around the twenty-something hire making the benefits you have never received.

But wait, there’s more! Nineteen-year-old HR executives, who are fresh out of college, are in charge of hiring and they definitely have your best interests at heart. They won’t be jealous of your five times higher salary at all because, in twenty years in the midst of their career, they’ll be making 20 times that amount. These executives are generous enough to offer top-notch advice like recommending you spend three weeks in a hotel in another country before rushing back for a start date, only to later delay it for several weeks.

If they play other HR games like making you train for free and see how much of a monkey dance you will do for Children’s Day, fear not, you are a respected educator. Finally, we can’t go on without mentioning the amazing benefits of … Read more

EducationNewsSatire
0

New Visa Policy Creates Opportunity To Disparage Foreigners

by Nguyen Ayi

In a recent visa policy article, the comment section was abuzz with an unlikely hero: Phuoc My. This self-proclaimed genius took pride in belittling English teachers as nothing more than backpackers, insinuating that they were all drug addicts and pedophiles. Mr. My’s comment section grandstanding was quite the sight to behold. It was as if he was a proud rooster, crowing the loudest in the yard.

Ironically, Phuoc My is a man of limited education and probably couldn’t spell the word ‘pedophile’ if he tried. Nonetheless, he took great delight in disrespecting educators who have dedicated their lives to teaching the English language. To him, it was a great way to uplift his spirits as he went about his underpaid job. It’s safe to say that Mr. My would have gladly pursued education himself, but unfortunately, trolling online comes easier.

It should be noted that Phuoc My is actually one of VNEXPRESS’s employees. His trolling habits of calling teachers “illegal workers” have become the talk of the newsroom and have been a great way to increase the number of comments on his visa policy article. Who knew that overt racism and painting foreigners as “the other” could be so lucrative?

The saddest outcome of this ridiculousness is that teaching is no longer a respected profession. The Phuoc My’s of this world have succeeded in tarnishing the reputation of dedicated educators who are doing everything in their power to make a difference in the world. Thanks to commenters like Mr. My, it is hardly surprising to see a decline in the number of foreigners willing to come to Vietnam as English teachers. Meanwhile, Vietnam will continue to lag behind its neighbors in English proficiency, further hindering the country’s development.

In conclusion, Phuoc My can continue wearing his troll … Read more

Expat VoicesSatire
0

Vietnam Regulating Crypto And Protecting Citizens From Investment Scams

This article is satire and does not reflect reality, much like crypto enthusiasts and the pro-crypto Vietnamese press.

By Nguyen Ayi

In a move that has shocked the crypto community, Vietnam has announced that it will be regulating cryptocurrency to protect its most vulnerable citizens from scams and bad investments. This decision comes as no surprise to those who have been following China’s recent crackdowns on other sectors such as education and big tech.

Wise officials in charge argue that crypto is just data and has no intrinsic value, making it the perfect breeding ground for scams and bad investments.

“We’re just trying to protect our citizens from themselves,” says a government spokesperson. “We’ve seen too many people lose their life savings on these so-called ‘investments,’ and we can’t allow that to continue.”

One disgruntled expat, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed frustration with the new regulations. “I couldn’t even pay for my $1.50 Banh Mi with my Doouchecoin,” he exclaimed. “I don’t carry cash because my entire life savings is in this coin that my brother-in-law gave me a hot tip on. Now what am I supposed to do?”

Many are praising the government’s efficiency in finally regulating crypto, likening it to China’s swift action in recent years. “We’re just doing our job,” says the spokesperson. “We’re here to protect our citizens, and we take that responsibility very seriously.”

It remains to be seen how these new regulations will affect the crypto market in Vietnam, but one thing is certain – the government will not stand idly by while its citizens are taken advantage of.