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VietJet Airlines Launches Barefoot Seating

Posted byNguyen Ayi

by Joe Fotalatte

This revolutionary initiative, dubbed the “Barefoot Bonanza,” aims to embrace free-spirited travelers who believe in the philosophy that shoes are merely an unnecessary societal construct that only hampers freedom of movement… and perhaps good hygiene. To sweeten the deal, VietJet promises that the discounted bare feet seats will only be offered next to seats occupied by foreigners—who, according to them, are always more culturally tolerant (and more importantly, unlikely to kick up a fuss about weird feet).

“After all,” said a VietJet spokesperson, “Our dedicated customers deserve the ultimate in travel luxury, and nothing says ‘I’m on vacation’ quite like the smell of sweaty toes wafting through the cabin. We’re just trying to spread a little joy—one odor at a time.”

The airline’s decision to offers these exclusive bare feet seats has sparked discussions online, from calls of support on social media to wild debates about the legality of foot traffic. “It’s actually quite refreshing! I always wanted to experience a more ‘locally engaged’ way to travel,” said avid adventurer Derek “The Sockless Wonder” Thompson. “Nothing bonds you faster than feet. Just imagine the dining conversations, all while while ignoring the potential health hazards.”

Of course, not everyone is looking forward to this newfound foot fetish; some travelers are concerned about what the adjacent seats might bring. “I just don’t want to be seated next to someone with questionable toenail hygiene,” confessed one apprehensive passenger.

In classic VietJet style, the airline has also revealed its intention to randomly cancel flights after passengers have foot-loosely booked their tickets. You may find yourself scrambling to lose even more money while rebooking hotels, obtaining those tricky visas, or canceling that swanky dinner reservation—all while your shoeless enthusiasm fades faster than a complimentary beverage.

“Look, we understand that travel can be … Read more

FoodSatire
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Enclosed Cafe Place To Ride Out Flu

Posted byNguyen Ayi

By Nguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam — In a move that has baffled local health officials and horrified baristas alike, 32-year-old Nguyen Thanh has chosen the intimate confines of Yen Café as his sanctuary while battling the flu, believing the change of scenery will somehow cure him. “I figured what’s better for a man with influenza than a quaint, enclosed café?” Nguyen said between coughs as he sipped a lukewarm Vietnamese coffee.

Witnesses report that Nguyen arrived at Yen Café, a beloved spot renowned for its cozy atmosphere and artisanal pastries, armed with nothing but an unwavering commitment to stay indoors. Nestled in a corner, Nguyen made a point to ensure that no one was seated next to him before he began what he termed “Phase One: Flu Containment.” He watched anxiously as the café filled up, resolutely refraining from any sneeze-related occurrences until he saw a solitary office worker set up shop at the next table, blissfully unaware of the infectious cloud hovering nearby.

“I was doing my best to stave off any viral explosions,” Nguyen admitted. “But the moment she opened her laptop, I had no choice. I let loose my first sneeze — an act of mother nature that was a delicate balance of timing and social engineering.”

“Just when I thought it was safe to be productive, some guy with the flu decided to unleash a hurricane of germs right next to me.” Dr. Minh Le, a public health expert, stated, “We didn’t expect this level of disregard for community health.”

“Honestly,” he said while fidgeting with his cough drops, “the cozy vibe of Yan Café really helps ease the misery. People should understand that sometimes we need to suffer in public.” As the day progressed, patrons at Yan Café took notice not just … Read more

Arts and CultureSatire
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K-Pop Star Joon-Ho Doesn’t Take His Own Life

Posted byNguyen Ayi
By Joe Fotalattee
Seoul, South Korea— The entertainment industry was left in shock, when K-Pop sensation Joon-ho “J-Hope” Park has defiantly chosen to not take his own life. Industry insiders are scrambling to comprehend how a star consistently surrounded by pressure, unrealistic beauty standards, and crippling loneliness could possibly come to the conclusion that jumping off the top of his penthouse apartment building wasn’t a good idea.
Sources close to J-Hope reveal a distressingly long list of incentives that should have prompted a tragic end. Among these are:
1. Endless Comparisons: From his stunningly perfect vocal range to his seemingly naive grin, J-Hope faces unrelenting comparisons to his fellow idols. After all, how can one contend with the jaw-dropping looks of every other K-Pop star? All you need is a toaster and a bathtub, J-Hope!
2. The Insatiable Fanbase: With millions of devoted fans demanding both flawless performances and personal interactions, the pressure should be too much. How could one respond to 10,000 fan messages a day? Wouldn’t it be easier to suck on a tailpipe for five minutes with those blowjob Botox lips, J-Hope?
3. The Whimsical Punishment of “Breakup Cutes”: In K-Pop, break up songs are just an opportunity to market a new skincare line—because nothing heals a broken heart quite like a fresh 12-step regimen. Can you imagine being a part of that genius yet miserable cycle? Time to break-up with yourself and use that Gucci belt on your neck, J-Hope!
4. Diet Culture Gone Wild: As one of the elite stars, J-Hope is expected to adhere to a diet that includes approximately 5 rice grains a day, washed down with a smoothie made of pure misery. How easy would it be to add a touch of arsenic, J-Hope?
5. The Polished Facade: With multiple plastic surgeries
… Read more
EducationSatire
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Insurrectionists Breaking English Teaching Contracts

Posted byNguyen Ayi

This article was published in coordination with presidentlardass.com, Propublica did not contribute to this article and will not return our calls.

By Joe Fotalatte

Hanoi, Vietnam –- January 6 insurrectionists who previously fled the U.S. to teach English abroad find themselves re-evaluating life decisions following rumors of a forthcoming presidential pardon. “Teaching here was supposed to be my safe harbor,” lamented Todd Flake who was photographed in Nancy Pelosi’s office with a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag wrapped around his neck. “But now, it feels like breaking my contract is harder than breaking into her office to take a dump on her desk!”

Flake’s English teaching gig had been smooth sailing at first, until he heard whispers of Trump’s plans to pardon those charged in the January 6 Capitol riot. “I thought I’d be hiding out here for a while,” he sighed. “But the idea of being pardoned feels like a chance to make a run for it back to the U.S. I might as well bring a jackhammer to my contract because, much like the Department of Education, it’s going to get obliterated!”

In a bustling café just off Hoan Kiem Lake, former rioter Mike “The Patriot” Johnson said that he never intended to leave his beloved NFL fantasy football league, yet here he was: an English teacher in Vietnam, desperately longing for touchdown updates. “I punched a cop for menacing my freedoms, and boom! Now, I’m teaching second graders about past tense verbs instead of discussing why the refs are blind as bats,” he grumbled. “I traded in my flag for a chalkboard, and the only thing I miss more than the gridiron is a good American cheese! You know, real cheese. Not that weird Happy Cow pasteurized stuff they sell here.”

Johnson reminisced about the heavenly … Read more

NewsSatire
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We’re Back: Alex Jones Saves The Beat!

Posted byNguyen Ayi

by Joe Fotalatte

It’s been a year and a half since we collectively decided that the universe would run just fine without our analytical input. Hunkered down in our homes, we attempted what we can only describe as a “transformative experience”—and if by transformative if you mean drinking 12 beers every night until you pass out and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, the world outside remained astoundingly unchanged. That’s right; for 18 months, we’ve confirmed: absolutely nothing was broken. Only the café on our corner in Saigon changed names three times. Like The Beat, perhaps this new modern redesign will finally make it profitable.

In light of our grand hiatus, we considered ourselves somewhat in a news blackout. After all, why report on the mundane when you can pursue the almost nonexistent? Much like reality TV, the stagnation of the news cycle led us to explore hobbies like extreme origami. Folding paper into bamboo shoots turned into a competitive adventure that involved long walks, breathing techniques, and some questionable glue-sniffing. Competitive Vegetable Sculpting led us to discover we didn’t like our Broccoli Barack once it started judging us.

After all these adventures in nothingness, we have returned to our roots with huge developments, including a new ownership of The Beat site. Hold on to your toupees! The guru of sensationalism himself, the Infowars guy, has swooped in using a secret coupon code from a coupon site, he managed to get a 30% discount and obtained our old domain—after only seven unsuccessful code attempts.

“We cannot be silenced!” he exclaimed, “The country of Vietnam will be a safe haven for our business, and it was already the source for most of our fake boner pills.”

The new ownership does not change The Beat’s mission … Read more

Satire
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Rise of “Asshole-English”: Podcastholes

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – In a phenomenon that has left many astounded and a little concerned, the streets of Vietnam are flooded with self-proclaimed experts who have attained all their knowledge through podcasts hosted by none other than the infamous Jordan Peterson, Sam Harris, Douglas Murray and their ilk. These newfound English speakers, commonly known as the “Podcastholes,” have taken over the nation, armed with their proficiency in a language and a newfound sense of superiority.

Move over, traditional language learning methods. Say hello to “Asshole-English,” Vietnam’s latest craze, where being a pompous know-it-all is the ultimate goal. To become an expert in any subject and irritate those around you, simply give Jordan Peterson a listen, take his words as gospel, and voila – you’re now an English-speaking Einstein in the eyes of the locals!

It all started innocently enough. Vietnam, like many developing nations, has been on a quest to improve its English language proficiency. But alongside progress came a peculiar obsession with persona-driven podcasts and YouTube channels. The self-proclaimed experts who emerged from this linguistic evolution soon became a source of both amusement and irritation.

What has become crystal clear is that Vietnamese English speakers, fueled by their newfound linguistic skills, have transformed themselves into entitled and insufferable beings. Armed with half-digested intellectual jargon and a limited understanding of complex subjects, the Podcastholes have descended upon society, armed with the unwavering belief that their opinions are gold.

Don’t be surprised if you overhear a group of Vietnamese Podcastholes or Expats passionately debating a topic they barely grasp in broken English. From politics to psychology, these linguistic virtuosos traverse the landscape of expertise with ease, often citing Peterson as the ultimate authority on life’s mysteries.

Meanwhile, locals have started experiencing a rude awakening when encountering the Podcasthole … Read more

Satire
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Grandpa Makes Rush Hour His Zen Hour

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City—A local grandpa has single-handedly shattered the stereotype that rush hour is chaotic and stressful. With a twinkle in his eye and the spirit of a time traveler, 85-year-old Mr. Nguyen has become the city’s revolutionary icon by embracing rush hour as his ideal time to leisurely explore the bustling streets.

While most sensible individuals avoid the hubbub of honking horns, exhaust fumes, and road rage during peak traffic, Mr. Nguyen has found his own peculiar way to experience the vibrant essence of the city—by moving at a snail’s pace. Armed with a vintage bike, sheer determination, and seemingly no knowledge of the concept of urgency, he fearlessly navigates his way through the sea of cars, motorbikes, and pedestrians with a nostalgic smile etched on his face.

One might assume that the sweet melodies of birds chirping in a nearby park or sipping on ca phe sua da in a tranquil café would be more enticing to a man of Mr. Nguyen’s age. However, this extraordinary grandpa insists that rush hour is the prime time to boldly showcase his ability to test the limits of both patience and sanity.

When asked about his peculiar choices, Mr. Nguyen chuckles heartily, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “Oh, my dear children, rush hour is the prime time for me to indulge in a fulfilling, albeit slow-paced, day. Where else can I witness the marvelous displays of traffic acrobatics from both drivers and pedestrians? What joy!”

Mr. Nguyen, with his unquenchable thirst for adventure, finds undeniable satisfaction in the seemingly mundane moments most people would associate with torment. A red light is a vibrant reminder that life is about embracing the present and appreciating the artwork of engines idling around him. Annoyed drivers behind him honk their horns, but cannot fathom

… Read more