Satire

By Nguyen Ayi

Dirk Diggler, renowned connoisseur and regular at Saigon’s finest bar restaurant, recently found himself at the receiving end of a most distressing snub. Much to his dismay, Dirk arrived at his beloved establishment, only to be turned away like a lonely tramp in the night. The reason? A paltry party that was set to happen a few hours hence.

As Dirk stood in front of the ostentatious neon sign that bore the establishment’s name, his signature red jumpsuit seemed to pale in comparison to the weight of his unrequited loyalty. “I can’t believe this!” Dirk lamented, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m a regular here, I practically built this place with my unwavering patronage.”

The irate customer’s claims of exclusivity couldn’t be dismissed. Dirk had, indeed, made an art out of gracing this establishment with his presence. Yet, to his utter dismay, his importance seemed to be overlooked for the sake of a gathering that could’ve easily been held in the local telephone booth.

Adding insult to injury, Dirk couldn’t help but notice the apathy emanating from the disinterested staff. While he stood outside, desperately pleading his case, the employees nonchalantly engrossed themselves in their phones as if the very fate of the establishment didn’t rest on Dirk’s satisfied taste buds.

“I come in here, year after year, and for what? A few selfies and hashtags?” Dirk exclaimed, gesticulating wildly. “If I wanted to compete with attention-seeking teenagers in a desperate bid for online validation, I’d have stayed at home and posted videos of my talents on YouTube.”

As Dirk surveyed the scene inside, his disappointment heightened. The usually bustling place, filled with the harmonious mingling of patrons, was inexplicably desolate. The tables sat vacant, as if mocking his claims of being ousted for this noncommittal soirée. … Read more

by Nguyen Ayi

Are traditional scientific facts holding back our society? Should we question everything, even basic laws of physics? According to a certain revolutionary English teacher in Saigon, the answer is a resounding YES. Meet Mr. Archibald Q. Unconventional, the proud maverick who is shattering the boundaries of critical thinking, one mask at a time.

In his quest to introduce alternative truths and challenge the very foundation of scientific principles, Mr. Unconventional has taken it upon himself to question the importance of masks in today’s society. While the world grapples with the COVID-19 pandemic, this intrepid educator believes that wearing masks to protect oneself and others is nothing more than an elaborate hoax.

Armed with his unmatched grasp of air-tight logic, Mr. Unconventional proceeds to share his mind-boggling theories with his unsuspecting students. He begins with a scientific argument so complex that the average mind would buckle under its weight: nanometers. With eyes glittering with passion, he mesmerizes his attentive audience with a spiel about how the minuscule size of the virus particles allows them to dance their way through all mask materials.

One child in the class, Timmy, determined to bring attention to his desperation, dares to raise his hand and challenge Mr. Unconventional’s notions. Timmy explains that he wears a mask to hide a particularly troublesome zit from the observant eyes of the girl sitting next to him. Mr. Unconventional nods sagely and replies, “Ah, Timmy, your desire for self-preservation clearly trumps the merits of scientific conformity. We shall highlight this as a shining example of individuality!”

But Mr. Unconventional does not stop there; he endeavors to instigate critical thinking in his students further. He encourages them to embrace a world where gravity can be selectively suspended, where 2+2 can equal 5, and where unicorns roam freely … Read more

by Ngyuen Ayi

In the bustling streets of Saigon, where chaos reigns supreme, an audacious daredevil has emerged to challenge societal norms and disregard common sense. Meet Mr. Nguyen Le, a man who single-handedly epitomizes the epitome of recklessness and cavalier behavior on the roads of Vietnam’s capital. Armed with the audacity of a superhero and the incompetence of a toddler, Mr. Le fearlessly embarks on his epic daily commute, leaving spectators in awe and terror alike.

For starters, Mr. Le boldly defies the universally accepted notion that helmets save lives. Wrongly assuming that his head is made of sterner stuff than mere bones, he traverses the busy streets with his toddler perched precariously on his lap, their precious skulls exposed to the perils of Saigon’s unforgiving roads. Truly, his unwavering defiance of helmet laws demonstrates his unwavering commitment to freedom and absolute lunacy.

But that’s not all, folks! As if flaunting his helmetless gallantry wasn’t enough, Mr. Le takes multitasking to unprecedented heights. Picture this: a motorbike hurtling down the road at breakneck speed as our intrepid adventurer navigates the treacherous sea of traffic, deftly maneuvering to avoid fellow motorists. While you might assume his focus should be solely on the road, Mr. Le, in an awe-inspiring display of modern-day sorcery, manages to expertly text his friends simultaneously. Truly, his underdeveloped sense of responsibility is a marvel to behold.

Now, where would our fearless hero be without his trusty cigarette? Ever the epitome of coolness, Mr. Le calmly inhales toxic chemicals, ensuring that carcinogens and carbon monoxide can likewise endanger his young companion. Surely, witnessing this unholy alliance of smoke and child endangerment is enough to bring tears to even the hardiest of hearts.

In a stroke of genius and unparalleled innovation, Mr. Le has found a way to … Read more

By Ngyuen Ayi

A dedicated expatriate has devised a groundbreaking strategy to keep the community in Saigon exceptionally clean – by feeding stray dogs rat poison treats.

Saigon, a city known for its bustling streets and vibrant culture, has long been plagued by the menace of stray dogs. These canines, notorious for causing traffic accidents and leaving their business cards (excrement) in front of countless local establishments, have become a daily nuisance for the residents. But thanks to the audacious efforts of one expat, Dick Kibble, whose creativity and sheer disregard for animal welfare, those days might be over.

The strategy is admirably straightforward – the expat replicates a gourmet treat formula laced with rat poison that only stray dogs find irresistible. Amazingly, the treats appear to work like magic, leading to a significant reduction in the once prevalent canine chaos. Locals are now enjoying peaceful walks down the street, free from the fear of being chased, bitten, or running into any more piles of furry trouble.

This ingenious plan, however, does come with its share of risks. After all, the expat must remain cautious, ensuring that he doesn’t mistakenly confuse the rat poison treats with the ones meant for his own beloved dog creating quite the fur-raising mix-up! “I considered doing late night walks and stabbing them in the throat, but the doggie treats seem to be easiest option,” Kibble explained.

As we ponder the consequences of Kibble’s courageous crusade, we can’t help but envision a future where every resident takes it upon themselves to keep their community clean, not by resorting to rat poison, but through education, responsible pet ownership, and overall civic awareness. In the meantime, we can only hope that the expat continues managing his rat poison offerings with the utmost precision, avoiding any unintended consequences … Read more