Satire by Joe Fotalattee
Citizen’s tears making a lovely lemongrass tea
HO CHI MINH VIETNAM – The Vietnamese government has rolled out a new “poor tax” initiative through traffic fines, generating an astounding estimated $6 million USD a month. Instead of investing these funds back into community development or public services, officials have decided to tear down trees across the city to craft exquisite wood furniture and sip tea on tables made from the very roots of the city itself.
Local authorities, who have been tirelessly trying to squeeze every last dong from hardworking citizens, are thrilled at the prospect of converting city greenery into fashionable home décor. “What better way to honor our ancestors than by transforming their ancient oak trees into tea tables?” said Hoang Minh, “We’re particularly excited about the 150-year-old oak tree on Pasteur Street. It’s practically begging to be turned into a centerpiece for sipping tea while reflecting on our efficient governance!”
In a particularly heartwarming initiative, the government plans to collect and bottle the tears of citizens who lose their homes due to onerous fines for making a right turn on red. “These tears will serve as the perfect base for our new tea blend, Minh added. “It’s a bittersweet reminder of what the city was and what it will become—a true reflection of modern Vietnamese life.”
Officials are steadfast in their belief that creating furniture from trees is a more productive use of resources than, say, maintaining infrastructure or providing social services. “Why fix potholes when we can create a stunning wood end table?” exclaimed Tran Thi Hoa, head of the newly formed Ministry of Failing The Public. “We’re committed to making government as inefficient as possible so that the people truly understand the value of a wood-crafted coffee table.”
A portion of the newfound $6 million revenue is earmarked for a flashy Facebook ad campaign designed to showcase government officials patting themselves on the back for their “life-saving” initiatives. “Our ads will feature smiling leaders surrounded by smiling citizens, all while we continue to increase traffic fine revenues!” said Minh, barely containing his glee. “What’s more heartwarming than watching your local officials celebrate their own brilliance? It’s a win-win!”
In light of recent banking regulations that have stifled Foreign Direct Investment, which constitutes a significant chunk of Vietnam’s GDP, the government is particularly enthusiastic about this new revenue stream. “Why rely on foreign money when we have our own citizens to fleece?” laughed Nguyen Van An, Minister of Domestic Revenue Enhancement. “Traffic fines are practically a printed dollar bill! We’re making the tough decision to prioritize our government officials’ needs over the citizens’ right to a peaceful commute.”
As the government digs deeper into its treasure trove of fines and fees, citizens are left grappling with the fallout. “I never knew a simple right turn could cost me my home,” lamented one local resident, wiping away tears while clutching a traffic ticket. Tear collection is becoming increasingly common roadside, as citizens grow more numb when returning to their crowded studio apartments, which they purchased and are now upside down on in terms of their mortgages. New fines have been proposed for citizens who do not collect their own tears in a timely manner for the consumption of Ward leaders’ tea.