It started with the first group of certified plumbers when the association was founded in 1972. The founder, Nguyen Byers, couldn’t stop joking around. “More like ASS—-OO–Tiation, am I right?” he asked this Beat reporter as we recounted the association like counting pieces of stir‑fried corn or “see‑you‑tomorrow” mushrooms.

“We just thought it would be funny if we put all bidets on the left side because most people are right‑handed. Think about how they have to have this cold, metal snake pipe dangling above their upper back like my teenage daughter’s bad tattoo,” Byers explained excitedly. “But the other guys just started taking the bits too far!”

The group started installing all toilets directly against walls in the smallest possible spaces. “I mean, all you want to do is spread your legs to let the turds drop like American bombs, and if we constricted that, it’s as funny as each plop.”

Some members blame Byers for the tone of the plumbers’ group and how they never stopped coming up with new ways to make a bathroom floor perpetually wet. Byers defended himself: “What if we used a level on the floor? We would have missed a banana peel slip every pee—hilarious, no?!”

What began as ribbing among coworkers escalated into an aesthetic and functional philosophy that baffled nearly every cafe customer in Vietnam. Apartment buildings sprouted bathroom pods so narrow that turning around required the agility of a contortionist. Showerheads were angled like confused traffic signals, and every drain seemed to conspire to send its splash precisely toward the door.

Neighbors told stories of awkward encounters: an elderly man who tipped his hat to a bidet and misjudged the nozzle, a courier who tried to deliver a package through a bathroom doorway and emerged with shoes full of suds, and … Read more

What’s with that one stray, darker, thicker, and slightly less curly pube?

Ho Chi Minh City— While Scott Deshew, a foreign IT worker, is usually unfazed by the state of Saigon’s bathrooms, he claims everything is up to Western standards at this point. According to Deshew, hand soap is available, bathrooms are clean, patrons generally keep their shorts on, and they even have the little plastic balls to shoot at. “At least it’s not like using a public restroom in the States. There, you risk encountering a right wing congressman.”

Airports used to be the only places with clean restrooms that met his expectations, but now there are Western-style toilets for his convenience everywhere. “But what’s with that one stray, darker than normal, thicker, and slightly less curly Asian pube?” Deshew inquired.

Scott began to wonder if squatter toilets should make a comeback. “Apparently, they were known to be more sanitary, and now we’re experiencing an increase in colon cancer. Maybe squatting is the secret to a healthy colon. It’s either that or lobbying for protecting the bidet as a national treasure”, Deshew said while reflecting on the rise in obesity in children, and the increasing number of McDonald’s opening up.

Reflecting on the cultural differences, Deshew added, “I thought I might need to enroll in a bathroom etiquette class. How do you address a stray hair? Do you call it out like a lost child? ‘Excuse me! Is this yours?’

Scott found himself trying to sink the rogue pube like an arcade game, aiming his stream with the precision of a seasoned gamer. “At least it’s not a cigarette butt,” he chuckled. “If it were, the only option would be to reach in and pick it up like the claw prize game. I’ve never smoked a free cigarette pulled … Read more

Ho Chi Minh City—Red-eyed and stinking of cheap, stale cigarettes and Saigon Green, teacher Molly defended her nine-day absence from work due to her exploration of different letters of the alphabet. She insists that she performs her best listening and correction of ESL students after a night of cooking up horse tranquilizers in the form of Ketamine. “Sometimes I take the kids out in the yard to play Horse with a basketball. It teaches them spelling and English, and they get exercise after their International school moms force-feed them French fries from McDonald’s,” remarked Molly, as she spat from her bad teeth, slowly increasing her volume for no apparent reason.

Molly claims that her unconventional methods offer a unique educational experience. “You see, when I’m high on Special K, I can truly appreciate the depth and nuance of the alphabet. Letters like ‘E’ aren’t just shapes to me; they become vibrant characters waiting to be explored,” she added, her eyes glazing over. “And what better way to illustrate the letter ‘E’ than with a little bit of ecstasy? It’s all about feeling, with letters and life itself!”

When questioned about the absence of traditional teaching methods, school administrators responded cautiously. “While we applaud creativity in teaching, we must also consider the well-being of our students and the integrity of our curriculum,” said Principal Nguyen, adjusting her glasses. “We’re currently evaluating whether this ‘letter of the day’ approach aligns with our educational standards.”

Despite the controversy, Molly remains unfazed. “Education should be an exploration—like a wild trip through the cosmos of letters!” she declared, channeling what she referred to as her *inner innovator*. “I just want my students to feel free, to express themselves, and to spell without the chains of conventionality holding them back.”

As students continue to bask in … Read more

As the winds howl and the skies darken over Danang, residents are finding themselves in a predicament that feels alarmingly familiar to one demographic in particular: English teachers caught in the delicate web of drug-related misdemeanors. Yes, as the government issues warnings about the approaching typhoon, it seems the locals are getting a taste of what it feels like to be an international educator with a penchant for poor decision-making. Former teacher and current Danang resident, Tommy Milfhunter lamented, “At least at school and in prison, you get the same bell for recess.”

In Danang, homes are becoming the new cells. Residents stare out at the furious winds, channeling their inner English teacher who, coincidentally, is also wearing sweatpants. After all, you’re in lockdown; might as well look like you just rolled out of bed after a late-night Netflix binge. That horizon you used to love? It’s now obscured by the mental bars of impending doom.

“We’re under a mandatory lockdown,” one resident remarked, looking wistfully out the window. “Reminds me of those English teachers who say they can’t leave the house because they’ve been ‘detained for questioning.'”

What does it mean to be “locked down” during a typhoon? Well, it appears to be a much more terrifying and windswept version of the usual school day. Those ‘detained’ English teachers might have an edge, as they often find themselves under the presumption that if they can survive a life confined with teenage students, nothing really shakes them.

But for Danang residents, the reality might be a tad more grim. It’s like sharing a prison cell with someone who insists on breaking into spontaneous poetry. “Hey, can you keep it down? I’m trying to survive a typhoon here!”

In prison, you get one meal a day, limited communication, and the occasional … Read more