Satire

Brought to you by Heineken, the global beer giant that’s never met a margin it didn’t like, the company today unveiled its boldest innovation yet: a thimble-sized 30-ml beer called “Heineken Red.” Marketed as a reverent nod to tailoring traditions and rice-wine shots, the new pour comes in collectible thimbles, complete with artisanal stitching on the box and a commemorative tee-shirt that absolutely cost more to print than the beer inside.

“Shrinkflation is cultural reclamation,” said a spokesperson in front of a banner that cost three times the R&D. “We wanted to honor small-scale consumption. Also, our CFO wanted another Mercedes he can’t drive faster than 25 or put in third gear.” Heineken’s marketing playbook is refreshingly straightforward: spend heavily on gloss and storytelling, cut nothing from production costs, and charge full-price for a dramatically downsized product. Economists call it “value extraction.” Heineken calls it “innovation.”

Heineken insists this is generosity dressed as scarcity. “We’re giving customers choice,” said the CEO, “Some people want less beer. Some people want collectible glassware. Everyone wants to keep paying more for less.” The company is also rolling out limited-edition banners, pub posters, and a line of “Shrinkflation Chic” barmaids’ uniforms styled to match the new canisters. Smaller cans, and smaller “cans”!

Previous lines of the cutesy marketing illusion:

– Heineken Silver — “For the refined, health-conscious sipper.” Same calories per milliliter, dramatically fewer milliliters per container.

– Heineken Zero — “Zero compromise.” Zero worth, tastes like metallic cereal, 150% full price.

Each label promises wellness, sustainability and heritage while the pocket-sized vessels are built from premium aluminum (also priced at premium). Heineken’s ad campaign includes smiling patrons holding up ornate thimbles and boasting, “I had sixteen!”.

Local bar owners (who’d prefer customers buy real pints) were offered boxes of the new thimbles for … Read more

CUPERTINO — Apple announced the incremental iPhone 17 and emphasized what truly matters: it has all the same features as an iPhone 7. “People loved the iPhone 7,” said a spokesperson while holding two devices—one made with futuristic alloys and one wrapped in rose-gold nostalgia—so closely together that customers could no longer tell whether they were looking at engineering prestige or just very expensive déjà vu. “We’re returning to the classic experience: lack of home button nostalgia, no headphone jack—we mean, classic connectivity choices—and that unmistakable feeling of paying for the future awhile receiving the past.”

Key highlights of the iPhone 17 that will feel eerily familiar to anyone who bought a phone in 2016:

-AI Integration: Remove all the flaws from your life before you present a photo, and that deep loneliness and depression will hardly be visible on your profile.

– Home button functionality: Just turn on accessibly options and you are back in a decade not run by billionaire dictators.

– Water resistance: Meets exactly the same conditions required by a rainy day and a minor coffee spill, but let’s face it: it is a priceless feeling of security while taking a dump.

– Camera experience: Achieve “focused minimalism” with accompanied by a $99 filter pack in the App Store, and enjoy the new feature of not having to put your phone in Landscape mode. Pay two grand to not turn your hand.

– No headphone jack: A design choice so timeless it was brought full circle and then politely re-introduced via an accessory sold separately.

– Battery life: Comparable to an emotional commitment from 2016 — solid for a day if you don’t try very hard, a device surely to outlast your failing marriage as you both scroll mindlessly.

– Touch ID vibes: Fingerprint-inspired nostalgia optimized … Read more

Saigon, Vietnam– E-Mart has unveiled its latest product line: hotpot cooking pots made in China with questionable craftsmanship, these pots have a unique feature — they simply refuse to turn off, putting Saigon’s apartment fires on speed dial.

Emart also offers signature, diabetes-causing 50,000 VND pizza slices as part of their brand of profit-driven harm. Those who lack patience to wait for the effects of saturated-fat, ultra-processed food may appreciate the quicker thrill of an electrical fire.

E-Mart CEO elaborated on the inspiration behind this new expansion. “For years, some people were selling burnt corn cancer coffee on the streets for profit,” he declared, cracking a self-satisfied grin. “Why not take it up a notch as profits should always come before people’s safety?”

This month, the rejected freight costs for poorly designed cookware were serious bargain buys, and E-Mart is more than thrilled. “My house remodeling needs a bit of a boost, so I say, let the pots boil over!” His enthusiasm for enhanced profits is undeniable, even if it risks turning Saigon into a virtual inferno.

When asked for comments, several E-Mart customers were puzzled but still hopeful. “I heard these pots are “to die for”… literally,” chuckled local resident Minh. “Who needs a fire alarm when you can just live on the edge?”

E-Mart has effectively doubled its sales strategy by encouraging customers to purchase complementary fire extinguishers from the neighboring aisle. “It’s a win-win!” boasted the E-Mart CEO. “Buy a pot, get a discount on a fire extinguisher! This month’s profits are cooking up warm and bright!”

Pasteur Institute for Public Health released a study this week concluding that doing heroin every day under a bridge “could possibly” be linked to increased cancer risk.

The paper, titled “Environmental Contexts and Long-Term Outcomes Associated With Street-Level Intravenous Opioid Use: A Bridge Too Far?” arrives just in time to be ignored by policymakers and forwarded with triumphant certainty by three distinct email chains.

Key Findings:

– Daily intravenous heroin use in unsanitary, outdoor settings was associated with a higher incidence of various cancers compared with people who didn’t do heroin every day under a bridge. The research team notes that exposure to contaminated needles, poor nutrition, chronic infections, and the general stress of living under a structure designed to keep water away were all plausible contributors.

-Gig economy workers being underpaid while CEO’s make record salaries could contribute to Grab drivers not being able to afford a one-hour hotel while shooting up da chrystal.

– The study carefully separated the possible causes into neat, bureaucratically named categories: behavioral risk factors, environmental carcinogen exposure, and “other adverse life circumstances.” Footnotes specify that “other adverse life circumstances” includes, but is not limited to, sleeping in a place water runs under, and having both foliage and dog poop.

– Statistical models showed a modest association after adjusting for age, smoking, alcohol use, and whether participants regularly tried to signal for help using semaphore.

Researchers located a sample of adults with varying levels of daily heroin use, some of whom preferred bridges for their cultural ambiance. They collected health outcomes over time, because cancer doesn’t usually declare itself in 48 hours and also because grant applications require “longitudinal data.” They did the standard cautious academic thing of saying “association, not causation” in about seven separate sections, each with increasing font size.

Authors recommend … Read more