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Woman Waits for Parents’ Death Before Distributing Estate Equally

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Saigon, Vietnam– In a heartwarming display of familial love and respect, local resident Nguyen Thi Lan has announced her noble plan to wait patiently for her parents to pass away before distributing their estate among her siblings. The 35-year-old sister, known for her unwavering commitment to family harmony, has vowed to ensure that the distribution of their parents’ hard-earned land and money will be executed without a single argument.

“I just want to honor our parents’ legacy,” Lan stated. “They worked so hard for everything they have, and I believe the best way to respect them is to wait until they’re gone.”

Lan’s brothers, Nguyen Van Hoang and Nguyen Van Minh, have expressed their gratitude for her selfless decision. “It’s refreshing to see someone take the high road,” Hoang remarked, while Minh added, “I mean, who wouldn’t want to wait for our parents to die before discussing their money? It’s the respectful thing to do!” Neither brothers have ever done anything irresponsible with money like taking loans they can’t pay back.

The siblings have already begun to prepare for the inevitable family meeting that will take place after their parents’ passing. “We’ve even created a group chat called ‘Estate Planning’ to ensure that we can discuss everything in a civilized manner,” Minh explained. “We’re all on the same page—no arguments, just love and respect.”

Local experts have praised Lan’s approach, noting that her decision to wait for her parents to pass away is a refreshing change from the typical inheritance disputes that often plague families in Saigon. “It’s rare to see such a selfless act in today’s society,” said Dr. Tran Minh Tu, a family psychologist.

As the family prepares for the inevitable, Lan has also taken steps to ensure that her parents are comfortable in their twilight years. “I’ve … Read more

Expat VoicesSatire
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Expats Selfishly Volunteer To Increase Birthrates

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Expats Selfishly Volunteer To Increase Birthrates

In a bold and selfless move, a group of expats in Vietnam has taken it upon themselves to tackle the nation’s declining birthrate crisis. With the current birthrate in Vietnam hovering around 1.64 children per woman, well below the replacement level of 2.1, these altruistic foreigners have decided that the best way to contribute is through a series of questionable romantic entanglements.

Max Pad: The Shrimp Peeler Advocate

Meet Max Pad, a 32-year-old American who has lived in Vietnam for three years. Max, who once claimed he preferred Hooter’s in America where you pay them to peel your shrimp and it goes nowhere, has now found a new calling. “I mean, why pay for shrimp peeling when I can marry the woman peeling my shrimp for free?” he exclaimed, eyes gleaming with the prospect of love and citizenship. “If it means increasing the birthrate, I’m all in! Plus, I hear the wedding parties are a blast!”. He has already proposed to three different women at his local seafood restaurant, each time promising to “bring the shrimp back to America” if they agree to bear his children.

Michael: The Distracted Educator

Then there’s Michael, a 58-year-old English teacher from Canada. Michael has openly admitted that he is gay, but he believes that having a baby might just keep his mind off some of his male students. “I Googled the age of consent here while at work, and it’s only 15,” he said, chuckling nervously. “I figured if I have a baby to care for, it’ll be a great distraction. Plus, I can teach them English! It’s a win-win!” Michael’s insists that his intentions are pure. “I just want to help Vietnam’s birthrate while also keeping my thoughts in check. It’s all about balance, right?”

Sarah … Read more

FoodSatire
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A Splendid Fusion of Luxury and Tradition: How To Eat The Rich

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Imagine this: your traditional Vietnamese hotpot infused not only with exotic herbs like lemongrass, Thai basil, and mint but also seasoned subtly with lavish cuts from notable figures on the Forbes list—such as Jeff Bezos’ dismembered meat or Mark Zuckerberg’s finely shredded flesh. Now envision adding a slice of Steve Jobs’ dismembered corpse to this culinary concoction!

The process begins not in butchery, but rather with an elaborate coconut cleaver ceremony at the hands of expert Vietnamese chefs—each strike echoing through our collective consciousness as they delicately disassemble what once was one of Silicon Valley’s most formidable CEOs. The jobless Steve Jobs becomes a mosaic, his essence intermingling with spices and broth to create an almost unbearably rich flavor profile—an homage to the man who catalyzed our era’s terminal tech revolution by copying an Android phone.

To elevate this spectacle to unparalleled heights, one can’t help but introduce Jeff Bezos’ extravagantly aged foot meat into your hotpot; a delicacy that, when cooked following traditional chicken feet methods, offers both tenderness and an undertone of opulence. These riches from the wealthy world elite are then nestled amidst fragrant herbs in our luxurious pot—a sizzling symphony promising to transport any lucky guest straight into a decadent, sumptuous feast right out of one’s imagination. Meat substitution only works in this dish if using a multimillionaire Korean pop star or an obscenely rich Vietnamese YouTube influencer.

In this world we find ourselves in—a society that seemingly worships at the altar of material wealth and status symbols—this extravagant hotpot experience represents not just a dining spectacle, but also an allegorical reflection on our collective values: Is it mere excess, or is there deeper meaning to be found within these ostentatious displays? As we ponder this conundrum over Robber Baron-infused banquets and Bezos’ foot delicacies—let us … Read more

CrimeOpinionSatire
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Ho Chi Minh City’s Graffiti Artists Should Have Fingers Removed

Posted byNguyen Ayi

A war should be waged—not against crime, but against the unsightly scourge of bad graffiti artists. While the city is home to some truly talented street artists who elevate the urban landscape with their vibrant murals, a growing number of so-called “artists” are defacing public property with their lackluster scribbles and juvenile doodles. It’s time to take a stand against this artistic travesty.

The influx of mediocre graffiti artists has led to a plague of poorly executed tags and mind-numbing scribbles that do nothing but tarnish the city’s image. These “artists” seem to believe that spray paint is a magic wand that can turn any surface into a masterpiece. Your “Question Everything” stupid lettering isn’t art or some deep philosophical point; it is a dumb, cynical worldview in a world where facts matter. Read a book, asshole.

It’s time to propose finger removal as a fitting punishment for these offenders. One by one, the fingers of these misguided artists should be severed, a symbolic gesture to remind them that their lack of skill has consequences. Including finger removal, regardless of age, the vandal will be put through the following sessions during a mandatory thirty-year prison sentence:

– The Paintball Gauntlet: After losing a finger, the artist must run through a gauntlet of paintball guns, where they will be pelted with colorful projectiles. Giant bruises will serve as a reminder of their artistic failures but also provide a splash of color to the otherwise drab punishment. The so-called artist will be tied to a wood plank so skilled sharpshooters can aim directly at their genitalia.

– The Mural of Shame: Each artist must create a mural depicting their own incompetence, using only the remaining fingers on their non-dominant hand. This will serve as a public display of their artistic shortcomings, ensuring … Read more

FinanceNewsSatire
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Ministry of Finance Announces Recession Based on New Indicator (UAAI)

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Uncles and Aunties in Trite Arguments

By Nguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City- The Ministry of Finance has decided to adopt neighborhood disputes over potted plants, trash can placements, and parking spots as official economic indicators to track the health of the economy. Ho Chi Minh City has officially entered a recession according to a new economic indicator: uncles and aunties in trite arguments (UAAI). The economic downturn has manifested itself in uncles brawling over parking spots and trash can placement, and aunties squabbling over the optimal placement of a potted plant.

Last Saturday at Tan Dinh market, two uncles, armed with nothing but their pride and a few choice expletives, engaged in a heated battle over a coveted parking space. Witnesses reported that the argument escalated quickly, with both parties resorting to slapping matches reminiscent of a cheerleading squad fighting over pompoms. “I’ve been circling this lot for 20 minutes!” shouted Uncle Nguyen, while Uncle Tran retorted, “You think you own this street? I’ve parked here since before you were born!”

As the altercation drew a crowd, it became clear that this was not just a simple disagreement over a parking spot; it was a microcosm of the city’s economic woes. The streets of Ho Chi Minh are now filled with new empty high-end coffee shops and Western-style bistros on bad credit, all of which will be out of business in six months.

In a nearby neighborhood, a group of aunties found themselves embroiled in a fierce debate over the placement of a potted plant on the corner of a communal garden. “It needs more sunlight!” insisted Auntie Mai, while Auntie Lin countered, “No, it needs to be closer to the bench for aesthetic purposes!” The argument quickly escalated, with coconut cleavers twirling through the polluted air.

This trivial … Read more

FinanceNewsSatire
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The Editor’s Friend’s Financial Burden

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Guest Editorial By Tuan Twat

The Views Expressed Here Are Not Necessarily The Views Of Vietnam Beat, Although We Probably Still Despise You As The Reader.

As I sit in my sprawling mansion—an architectural marvel that boasts seven bedrooms, an infinity pool, and a home gym that rivals the local fitness center—I can’t help but reflect on how well I’m doing. You see, despite my countless triumphs and the hundreds of thousands of dollars I rake in annually, I must lament the tragic financial plight of my family members who haven’t paid me back for that $50 I lent them three years ago. Yes, it’s true: while I am living the dream, I bear the heavy burden of their debt.

Now, I fully understand that this newspaper absolutely should not be giving me a platform to air my grievances about how privileged I am to complain. But let’s be honest—what else could you possibly want to read about? The struggles of a middle-class family trying to make ends meet? Yawn. Instead, let me tell you about my struggle with maintaining a lifestyle that includes regular visits from my housekeeper, who I swear has been using too much bleach on my marble floors.

Oh, the sacrifices I make! Just last week, I had to budget for my kids’ tuition at an elite university in the U.S., a country that is, let’s face it, a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment. I mean, who wouldn’t want their children to have the chance to develop a drug habit or start a small fire at their fourth home near UCLA? The American Dream, right? I often hear my friends in Vietnam say, “Nguyen, it must be so fulfilling to have children at such prestigious institutions!” And I respond, “Yes, but at what … Read more

Satire
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Mobifone Vietnam Requires QR Code Wrist Implants and GPS Spine Chips

Posted byNguyen Ayi

A New Era of “Personal Freedom”

Hanoi, Vietnam – Mobifone, one of Vietnam’s leading telecommunications providers, has announced a new initiative requiring all citizens to receive a QR code tattooed on their wrists and a GPS tracking chip implanted in the base of their spines. This groundbreaking program, dubbed the “Total Connectivity Initiative,” promises to provide the ultimate in personal security and convenience.

The QR code, which will function as a third factor authentication for when you inevitably forget your password for the sixth time this week, will ensure that even if you lose your phone, your entire digital identity is just a wrist flick away. “We wanted to make digital life easier for our customers,” said Mobifone CEO, Mr. Nguyen Thanh. “With a quick scan of your wrist, you can access everything from your social media accounts to the latest state-approved cat memes!”

Of course, concerns about data privacy have been raised. Citizens have voiced worries about the potential for the communist government to access their personal information. However, Mobifone has assured the public that they will not share any data with the government. “Trust us,” said Mr. Thanh with a wink. “We promise! Cross our hearts and hope to die—well, not literally. That would be bad for business.”

The GPS chip implanted in the spine is touted as an added layer of security. “Now, you can be tracked by your friends, family, and the government all at the same time!” boasted Thanh. “What’s more fun than a little friendly surveillance? It’s like a permanent game of hide-and-seek, but without the hiding part!”

The implants, which will be administered at local Mobifone stores (conveniently located near government offices), are said to be completely painless—if you don’t count the screaming. “We’ve partnered with local doctors who specialize in ‘quick and … Read more

Satire
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Traffic Fines To Be Used For New Tea Tables

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Satire by Joe Fotalattee

Citizen’s tears making a lovely lemongrass tea

HO CHI MINH VIETNAM – The Vietnamese government has rolled out a new “poor tax” initiative through traffic fines, generating an astounding estimated $6 million USD a month. Instead of investing these funds back into community development or public services, officials have decided to tear down trees across the city to craft exquisite wood furniture and sip tea on tables made from the very roots of the city itself.

Local authorities, who have been tirelessly trying to squeeze every last dong from hardworking citizens, are thrilled at the prospect of converting city greenery into fashionable home décor. “What better way to honor our ancestors than by transforming their ancient oak trees into tea tables?” said Hoang Minh, “We’re particularly excited about the 150-year-old oak tree on Pasteur Street. It’s practically begging to be turned into a centerpiece for sipping tea while reflecting on our efficient governance!”

In a particularly heartwarming initiative, the government plans to collect and bottle the tears of citizens who lose their homes due to onerous fines for making a right turn on red. “These tears will serve as the perfect base for our new tea blend, Minh added. “It’s a bittersweet reminder of what the city was and what it will become—a true reflection of modern Vietnamese life.”

Officials are steadfast in their belief that creating furniture from trees is a more productive use of resources than, say, maintaining infrastructure or providing social services. “Why fix potholes when we can create a stunning wood end table?” exclaimed Tran Thi Hoa, head of the newly formed Ministry of Failing The Public. “We’re committed to making government as inefficient as possible so that the people truly understand the value of a wood-crafted coffee table.”

A portion of … Read more

CrimeNewsSatire
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Banh Mi Bloodbath

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Day-Old Bread Used For Series of Stabbings

Saigon, Vietnam — The peaceful streets of Saigon have become the backdrop for a series of notorious “banh mi stabbings,” in disputes over money.

The alarming trend reportedly began at a family reunion last weekend when the Nguyens were divided over a modest inheritance that included a peculiar stash of day-old banh mi. Ms. Nguyen, who only partially uttered this while clutching a loaf of bread. “It was supposed to be a peaceful gathering.”

While economics experts attribute the rise in tensions to the current inflation rate, local chefs argue it’s all about the bread. “Stale banh mi breeds resentment,” states renowned chef M. Phan, who recently opened a trendy café called Co Ba Ma, specializing in fresh bread.

By the end of the last incident, the “Banh Mi Massacre,” the Nguyen family is now down two members with sliced and diced relationships – and a few emergency room visits. “I couldn’t believe it,” said neighbor Minh Tran. “One minute, they were arguing about who borrowed money from whom, and the next, there we stabbing each other with rock hard baguettes.”

As news spreads, local residents are rushing to their kitchen cupboards to stock up on fresh loaves instead of negotiating marital property agreements. “I think I’ll just keep my bread in the sun from now on,” says Tran. “Day-old? No thank you! I am the breadwinner and sole provider in the family.”