Satire

What’s with that one stray, darker, thicker, and slightly less curly pube?

Ho Chi Minh City— While Scott Deshew, a foreign IT worker, is usually unfazed by the state of Saigon’s bathrooms, he claims everything is up to Western standards at this point. According to Deshew, hand soap is available, bathrooms are clean, patrons generally keep their shorts on, and they even have the little plastic balls to shoot at. “At least it’s not like using a public restroom in the States. There, you risk encountering a right wing congressman.”

Airports used to be the only places with clean restrooms that met his expectations, but now there are Western-style toilets for his convenience everywhere. “But what’s with that one stray, darker than normal, thicker, and slightly less curly Asian pube?” Deshew inquired.

Scott began to wonder if squatter toilets should make a comeback. “Apparently, they were known to be more sanitary, and now we’re experiencing an increase in colon cancer. Maybe squatting is the secret to a healthy colon. It’s either that or lobbying for protecting the bidet as a national treasure”, Deshew said while reflecting on the rise in obesity in children, and the increasing number of McDonald’s opening up.

Reflecting on the cultural differences, Deshew added, “I thought I might need to enroll in a bathroom etiquette class. How do you address a stray hair? Do you call it out like a lost child? ‘Excuse me! Is this yours?’

Scott found himself trying to sink the rogue pube like an arcade game, aiming his stream with the precision of a seasoned gamer. “At least it’s not a cigarette butt,” he chuckled. “If it were, the only option would be to reach in and pick it up like the claw prize game. I’ve never smoked a free cigarette pulled … Read more

Ho Chi Minh City—Red-eyed and stinking of cheap, stale cigarettes and Saigon Green, teacher Molly defended her nine-day absence from work due to her exploration of different letters of the alphabet. She insists that she performs her best listening and correction of ESL students after a night of cooking up horse tranquilizers in the form of Ketamine. “Sometimes I take the kids out in the yard to play Horse with a basketball. It teaches them spelling and English, and they get exercise after their International school moms force-feed them French fries from McDonald’s,” remarked Molly, as she spat from her bad teeth, slowly increasing her volume for no apparent reason.

Molly claims that her unconventional methods offer a unique educational experience. “You see, when I’m high on Special K, I can truly appreciate the depth and nuance of the alphabet. Letters like ‘E’ aren’t just shapes to me; they become vibrant characters waiting to be explored,” she added, her eyes glazing over. “And what better way to illustrate the letter ‘E’ than with a little bit of ecstasy? It’s all about feeling, with letters and life itself!”

When questioned about the absence of traditional teaching methods, school administrators responded cautiously. “While we applaud creativity in teaching, we must also consider the well-being of our students and the integrity of our curriculum,” said Principal Nguyen, adjusting her glasses. “We’re currently evaluating whether this ‘letter of the day’ approach aligns with our educational standards.”

Despite the controversy, Molly remains unfazed. “Education should be an exploration—like a wild trip through the cosmos of letters!” she declared, channeling what she referred to as her *inner innovator*. “I just want my students to feel free, to express themselves, and to spell without the chains of conventionality holding them back.”

As students continue to bask in … Read more

As the winds howl and the skies darken over Danang, residents are finding themselves in a predicament that feels alarmingly familiar to one demographic in particular: English teachers caught in the delicate web of drug-related misdemeanors. Yes, as the government issues warnings about the approaching typhoon, it seems the locals are getting a taste of what it feels like to be an international educator with a penchant for poor decision-making. Former teacher and current Danang resident, Tommy Milfhunter lamented, “At least at school and in prison, you get the same bell for recess.”

In Danang, homes are becoming the new cells. Residents stare out at the furious winds, channeling their inner English teacher who, coincidentally, is also wearing sweatpants. After all, you’re in lockdown; might as well look like you just rolled out of bed after a late-night Netflix binge. That horizon you used to love? It’s now obscured by the mental bars of impending doom.

“We’re under a mandatory lockdown,” one resident remarked, looking wistfully out the window. “Reminds me of those English teachers who say they can’t leave the house because they’ve been ‘detained for questioning.'”

What does it mean to be “locked down” during a typhoon? Well, it appears to be a much more terrifying and windswept version of the usual school day. Those ‘detained’ English teachers might have an edge, as they often find themselves under the presumption that if they can survive a life confined with teenage students, nothing really shakes them.

But for Danang residents, the reality might be a tad more grim. It’s like sharing a prison cell with someone who insists on breaking into spontaneous poetry. “Hey, can you keep it down? I’m trying to survive a typhoon here!”

In prison, you get one meal a day, limited communication, and the occasional … Read more

HO CHI MINH CITY, VIETNAM— Amidst local conversation about degenerate foreigners, one expat is celebrating a personal victory: the continued legality of his beloved substances—coffee, beer, and cigarettes.

Peter Johnson, an enthusiastic English teacher and proud connoisseur of life’s indulgences. “I can’t believe it!” he exclaimed while sipping a steaming cup of artisan coffee brewed just moments before. “Here, I can enjoy my vices without the fear of legal repercussions.”

While Peter enjoys his brew, let’s take a quick look at the numbers. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), alcohol kills approximately 2.8 million people a year globally. Tobacco-related illnesses claim around 8 million lives annually. Yet, Peter’s local café owner isn’t worried about those stats. “The only figures that matter are the ones on my tax forms,” he chuckled, mixing up a fresh batch of coffee cocktails that somehow balances both caffeine and alcohol.

Peter offers a conspiratorial grin as he lights up his cigarette, “It’s simple economics. I can keep smoking and drinking because local businesses know they can’t afford to upset their cash cows.”

For Peter, the allure of his ‘approved’ substances offers a sense of freedom that folks are more than happy to exploit. “If I were back home, I’d be nervously skirting around the law for much less while slaving away for some over-inflated bureaucratic virtue signaling.”

While he indulges in what could only be described as a vice trifecta (coffee in the morning, beers at noon, and cigarettes by evening), Peter remains indifferent to how much taxpayer money goes towards healthcare for conditions related to his choices. “At the end of the day, this is a free country,” he declares, raising his beer in a toast to questionable governance and exceptional caffeine.

As Peter relishes his drinks, he reflects on the raw essence … Read more

HO CHI MINH CITY, VIETNAM— The Vietnamese Ministry of Prisons has announced a generous offer: free housing for foreign English teachers. As part of this enticing new package, teachers can now enjoy a luxurious thirteen-month stay instead of the traditional wage.

The Ministry recognized the trending theme: Clearly, these English teachers are willing to branch out beyond just parsing sentences. “We’ve heard too many stories of these so-called ‘educators’ engaging in extracurricular activities,” said a ministry spokesperson. “We decided to make their extracurriculars a bit more… structured.”

Notably, there is a new course being introduced: “Drugs and Literature.” English teachers will explore the nuanced relationships between Shakespeare’s tragedies and the expat pub culture.

With local teachers needing a few extra perks to match their Southeast Asian neighbors, Vietnamese officials are eager to remind everyone that in this game of international education, even English teachers deserve something special. After all, when locals are getting benefits, it’s only fair that the expats join in, right? Hence, free housing, less income, and the thrill of potential arrests have never looked more appealing.

The English teaching scene in Vietnam has never been more vibrant, or more criminally inclined. As potential educators weigh the options of a twelve-month contract versus a free bungal—um, cell—next to a bustling karaoke bar, the question remains: Will this strategy lure more talented expats away from the bright lights of the clubs and into the warm embrace of the classroom?

In a region where staying in touch with the local culture has always involved navigating complex social waters, who would have thought a little bit of free housing and a few more potential jail nights would keep English teachers interested and engaged?

So pack your bags, potential English educators! This cozy arrangement may provide all the motivation you need—whether you’re … Read more

The An Phu Correctional Facility in Saigon has become the unlikely epicenter of English language improvement, thanks to a peculiar initiative involving native-speaking teacher ‘volunteers’ from schools like AMG, some of whom are currently detained for minor drug-related charges. These educators are now dishing out lessons on the Queen’s English instead of the Queen’s hash.

“The English Underground,” group of inmates enrich each other’s lives despite their vastly different circumstances. With every “How are you?” and “What’s up?” presented in a faux-enthusiastic American accent by a 30-something expatriate arrested for possessing a small amount of weed, inmates are discovering a new world of self-expression. “I used to think English was just for tourists,” stated one inmate, now proficient in conversational phrases. “But now I’m debating Shakespeare like I’m back in college, and I taught teacher Rachel how to make a shiv out of soap.”

The Ministry of Prisons has announced plans to increase the English teacher-to-inmate ratio, with the intention of allowing every inmate to engage in daily conversation with their instructor. This approach aims to better prepare those incarcerated for a post-prison life enriched by the ability to express themselves clearly and quite possibly order food at an American diner.

The Ministry is planning to implement random drug testing on the streets, reminiscent of New York City’s past stop-and-frisk policies. “The plan could clean up Bui Vien so it is more like Times Square, maybe even have a TGI Fridays,” enthused a policy analyst. If drug use can be contained on the streets, perhaps it may lead to cleaner prisons that double as language-learning hubs. “Imagine walking down the streets and seeing ‘English Practice Zones’ marked by friendly officers: ‘Step right up! Would you like to order a cheeseburger in English today?”

With this freshly minted English proficiency, inmates … Read more