Satire

Guest Editorial By Tuan Twat

The Views Expressed Here Are Not Necessarily The Views Of Vietnam Beat, Although We Probably Still Despise You As The Reader.

As I sit in my sprawling mansion—an architectural marvel that boasts seven bedrooms, an infinity pool, and a home gym that rivals the local fitness center—I can’t help but reflect on how well I’m doing. You see, despite my countless triumphs and the hundreds of thousands of dollars I rake in annually, I must lament the tragic financial plight of my family members who haven’t paid me back for that $50 I lent them three years ago. Yes, it’s true: while I am living the dream, I bear the heavy burden of their debt.

Now, I fully understand that this newspaper absolutely should not be giving me a platform to air my grievances about how privileged I am to complain. But let’s be honest—what else could you possibly want to read about? The struggles of a middle-class family trying to make ends meet? Yawn. Instead, let me tell you about my struggle with maintaining a lifestyle that includes regular visits from my housekeeper, who I swear has been using too much bleach on my marble floors.

Oh, the sacrifices I make! Just last week, I had to budget for my kids’ tuition at an elite university in the U.S., a country that is, let’s face it, a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment. I mean, who wouldn’t want their children to have the chance to develop a drug habit or start a small fire at their fourth home near UCLA? The American Dream, right? I often hear my friends in Vietnam say, “Nguyen, it must be so fulfilling to have children at such prestigious institutions!” And I respond, “Yes, but at what … Read more

A New Era of “Personal Freedom”

Hanoi, Vietnam – Mobifone, one of Vietnam’s leading telecommunications providers, has announced a new initiative requiring all citizens to receive a QR code tattooed on their wrists and a GPS tracking chip implanted in the base of their spines. This groundbreaking program, dubbed the “Total Connectivity Initiative,” promises to provide the ultimate in personal security and convenience.

The QR code, which will function as a third factor authentication for when you inevitably forget your password for the sixth time this week, will ensure that even if you lose your phone, your entire digital identity is just a wrist flick away. “We wanted to make digital life easier for our customers,” said Mobifone CEO, Mr. Nguyen Thanh. “With a quick scan of your wrist, you can access everything from your social media accounts to the latest state-approved cat memes!”

Of course, concerns about data privacy have been raised. Citizens have voiced worries about the potential for the communist government to access their personal information. However, Mobifone has assured the public that they will not share any data with the government. “Trust us,” said Mr. Thanh with a wink. “We promise! Cross our hearts and hope to die—well, not literally. That would be bad for business.”

The GPS chip implanted in the spine is touted as an added layer of security. “Now, you can be tracked by your friends, family, and the government all at the same time!” boasted Thanh. “What’s more fun than a little friendly surveillance? It’s like a permanent game of hide-and-seek, but without the hiding part!”

The implants, which will be administered at local Mobifone stores (conveniently located near government offices), are said to be completely painless—if you don’t count the screaming. “We’ve partnered with local doctors who specialize in ‘quick and … Read more