Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

There are a few tips here which will help you look up for zodiacs. This month, the stars align and create the best conditions for you to try out extreme knitting. Stop after you create a toilet paper cover doily.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Gourmet tofu food is in the works for some of you. Most of you hate the thought of it, but many of you will appreciate the lack of taste because it is something new.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Vendetta within your nature this month as you are wishing to lounge around with a reality show and create a manuscript. You can devise a concept for a reality film depicting the moving saga of your cat, but it keeps scratching off the Gopro.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This month prepare to acquire the ability to speak to your houseplants if you haven’t been trained in it already. Expect them to spill the tea on the origin of pictures and their significance. But do not let them fool you; they know nothing about romance and should not give you any advice regarding it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your innate charm will lure people towards you like a moth to a flame… Or like a pigeon towards a warm hot dog or an elevator to a fart.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are likely to realise that your mania for tidiness is contained in a positive way: a sock drawer organized by color and other witty categories! Nope, that will be the highlight of your month. No worries; the cosmos is quite happy with your efforts.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The eternal thirst for harmony will take an odd turn in … Read more

 

Aries

You will be traumatized when answering a classified ad in person (and will also unwittingly expand your sexual horizons by learning that the phrase “Tranny for Sale” doesn’t always refer to a motorcycle transmission).

Taurus

There’s an old maritime proverb that states: “There’s no such thing as a favorable wind for a man who has no idea where he’s going.” There’s also no such thing as a favorable wind for a man who’s just eaten a Circle K Burrito.

Gemini

Well, right there’s your problem, Gemini. You’ve got hydraulic star fluid re-calibrating your luck rod when Pluto’s in the 6th House. But, I can’t get Ronnie on it till next week, we’re covered up. Unless you pay extra labor.

 

Cancer:

You will solve the global warming crisis by developing an alternative fuel source out of telemarketers, thus killing two birds with one stone and subsequently earning you the Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

 

Leo:

“After testing 11 other potential men, when it comes to six-month-old Shauna, Leo …You are the father.” “Now what, punk?! That’s yo baby! Now what?! Now what?! How you like me now?! You and your crazy momma both better be getting’ jobs! Yeeah! You gonna pay up! You gonna pay up!”

 

Virgo

Naked, you resemble a mudslide… only hairier. And, I’m sure the other 2,000 people at Le Van Tam Park will back me on that.

 

Libra

You will awaken to a legion of eager pilgrims at your door mere hours after your roommate posts a photo of you passed out with a chili stain on your shirt in the shape of the Blessed Virgin.

 

Scorpio

In the coming weeks, your life will come to resemble a bad Gregory Hines movie. But, the dancing will be much, much worse.

 … Read more