Expat Voices

Expat Voices
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Front-Row Seats to the Hegseth Shitshow

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Published in partnership with presidentlardass.com, Propublica did not contribute to this story and won’t return our calls

By Tammy Pon

What a glorious day to be an expat in Vietnam, watching the American circus from afar! Today’s feature presentation? The Senate Armed Services Committee’s hearing on Pete Hegseth, the man with a résumé as questionable as the reasons behind the Vietnam War itself.

Picture this: a gaggle of veterans, veterans of a war they lost, standing at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, rallying behind Hegseth. It’s like watching a bunch of medieval knights proudly waving their flags after a disastrous defeat, all because they’re convinced that their ideology—whatever that means—makes them the true victors. You know, that same ideology that led to the killing of innocents because, well, freedom.

Hegseth is strutting into this hearing with a cocktail of allegations swirling around him like a well-mixed Mai Tai. He’s got reports of wild drinking, sexual harassment, and financial mismanagement that could make even the most seasoned expat raise an eyebrow. He’s qualified to be an underpaid English teacher with no benefits, no vacation, and excessive teaching hours in Saigon. He deserves the worst place in the world to teach English.  Speaking of mincing words, look at Hegseth’s staunch opposition to renaming military bases that honor Confederate generals. I mean, why change a name? It’s not like the world has evolved since the Civil War. And hey, if you’re going to hang onto a piece of history, why not cling to the parts that glorify losing causes?

And then there’s his delightful little manifesto, “An American Crusade,” where he calls for a holy war against anyone he deems an “internal enemy.” Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The only difference is that this time, instead of sending troops overseas to battle vague … Read more

Expat Voices
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Expat Expertly Dissects COVID-19 Vaccine

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Opinion Based On Facts By Karen Cohen

An Expat named John is unaware of the meaning of “clinical trial”.

Ho Chi Minh City – In a stunning display of ignorance and audacity, an expatriate residing in this bustling metropolis has taken it upon himself to boldly question the safety and efficacy of the meticulously developed COVID-19 vaccine.This self-proclaimed expert confidently dismisses the tireless efforts of scientists and medical professionals. Brace yourselves for an extraordinary journey into the mind of the vaccine skeptic!

One of John’s favorite rallying cries is that the vaccine was ‘rushed,’ asserting that safety cannot be guaranteed due to the rapid nature of its development. It seems John’s selective amnesia has conveniently overlooked the extensive clinical trials and regulatory procedures that took place worldwide. These trials involved tens of thousands of participants, ensuring a rigorous evaluation of safety and efficacy.

John, in his delusional hypothetical world, seems to believe that the scientific community just went, “Oh well, let’s just throw this vaccine against the wall and see if it sticks.” In reality, the development of vaccines went through standard phases – starting with preclinical trials, where the vaccines were extensively tested on animals to determine their safety and efficacy. These tests were followed by Phase I, II, and III clinical trials, involving thousands of human participants, which meticulously evaluated the vaccine’s efficacy, side effects, and long-term impact.

But wait, the absurdities don’t end there! John also avidly claims that corners were cut during the vaccine development process. Sorry, John, but the vaccine development timeline was not dictated by workplace procrastination or a ‘Fast and Furious’ mindset. The unprecedented global effort combined the expertise of countless scientists, researchers, and pharmaceutical companies worldwide. They utilized the latest technology, collaborated extensively, and adhered to countless protocols to expedite the development … Read more

Expat VoicesNews
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The American Dream: A Vietnamese Person’s Nightmare

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Hanoi, Vietnam – For years, Nguyen Pham worked tirelessly to achieve the American dream. He scrimped and saved every penny he had, even selling his home in Vietnam to fund his journey to the “Land of the Free”. After many months of hard work and perseverance, he landed on American soil, eagerly anticipating a life filled with success, prosperity, and boundless opportunity.

An Unsustainable Life

Unfortunately for Nguyen, the reality of living in America was nothing like he had imagined. From the exorbitant cost of rent to the lack of affordable public transportation, lack of affordable rent, lack of affordable food, and lack of affordable healthcare, his dreams of a better life were quickly shattered. Life in America was not what he expected, and he soon realized that the American dream was a lie. Running a business in America had untold expenses from every level of government, compared to Vietnam when he started out of his house without issues.

To make matters worse, Nguyen discovered that sending his children to school in America came with its own set of problems. Instead of learning valuable knowledge and skills, they were exposed to active shooter drills, dumb Americans, and the constant threat of gun violence.

Don’t Move To America

“Why did I even bother chasing this so-called American dream?” Nguyen lamented. “My kids would have been better off studying in schools in Vietnam, where they would have never been subjected to the fear of being shot.” Nguyen also failed to research all of the economic data that shows which nations are in decline and which have a growing economic future.

Nguyen’s story serves as a cautionary tale for those who have been sold the false promise of the American dream. While the lure of opportunity and success may be enticing, the reality … Read more

Expat VoicesSatire
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Vietnam Regulating Crypto And Protecting Citizens From Investment Scams

Posted byNguyen Ayi

This article is satire and does not reflect reality, much like crypto enthusiasts and the pro-crypto Vietnamese press.

By Nguyen Ayi

In a move that has shocked the crypto community, Vietnam has announced that it will be regulating cryptocurrency to protect its most vulnerable citizens from scams and bad investments. This decision comes as no surprise to those who have been following China’s recent crackdowns on other sectors such as education and big tech.

Wise officials in charge argue that crypto is just data and has no intrinsic value, making it the perfect breeding ground for scams and bad investments.

“We’re just trying to protect our citizens from themselves,” says a government spokesperson. “We’ve seen too many people lose their life savings on these so-called ‘investments,’ and we can’t allow that to continue.”

One disgruntled expat, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed frustration with the new regulations. “I couldn’t even pay for my $1.50 Banh Mi with my Doouchecoin,” he exclaimed. “I don’t carry cash because my entire life savings is in this coin that my brother-in-law gave me a hot tip on. Now what am I supposed to do?”

Many are praising the government’s efficiency in finally regulating crypto, likening it to China’s swift action in recent years. “We’re just doing our job,” says the spokesperson. “We’re here to protect our citizens, and we take that responsibility very seriously.”

It remains to be seen how these new regulations will affect the crypto market in Vietnam, but one thing is certain – the government will not stand idly by while its citizens are taken advantage of.

Expat VoicesSatireTravel
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How Generosity in Vietnam Leads to Forgettable Service

Posted byNguyen Ayi

By Ngyuen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – In a country known for its warm hospitality and delectable cuisine, an uncanny dance has emerged between tipping and the quality of service. Seemingly paradoxical, it appears that the more you frequent an establishment and generously tip, the greater the chances of experiencing forgettable service and a complete loss of your order.

For many travelers, Vietnam’s vibrant culinary scene is an enticing adventure waiting to be savored. Eager to immerse themselves in the local culture, they become regulars at their favorite eateries, ready to embark on a gastronomic journey. Armed with guidebooks and online recommendations, they eagerly approach the tables, wallets adorned with tipping generosity.

As the relationship between patron and establishment grows, an unexpected transformation occurs. The waitstaff, once attentive and mindful, seem to lose their recollection of regulars’ faces, names, and even their cherished orders.

But fear not, for this is not a result of malicious intent. Rather, it is an unintentional manifestation of the “Law of Familiarity” in the realm of customer service. As regular customers tip more generously, the staff’s initial enthusiasm gradually morphs into a cocktail of complacency and forgetfulness. In their minds, the regulars have become fixtures of the establishment, part of the permanent furniture that no longer necessitates special attention.

Customers who were once the shining stars of the dining experience now find themselves cast into the abyss of anonymity. The waitstaff may serve them with a distant gaze, unaware of their long-standing relationship or their preferred dish. The once-cherished order is relegated to a distant memory, lost among the ever-growing chaos of forgetfulness.

And so, a disheartening irony emerges. The more patrons strive to be recognized and rewarded for their loyalty, the more likely they are to fade into the background. The tipping … Read more

Expat VoicesSatire
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Cafe Owner Targets Fan At Douchebag Backpacker, Leaves Locals Stunned

Posted byNguyen Ayi

By Phil McCracken And Nguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam – A cafe owner of in Vietnam took matters into his own breeze-inducing hands, delivering a refreshing blow to a self-proclaimed “douchebag” backpacker. As the fan’s gusts swerved away from the loyal regulars and landed squarely on the unsuspecting traveler, the collective reaction of the café-goers can only be described as sheer bewilderment.

The scene unfolded at a humble café nestled in the heart of this vibrant city. Regular customers, sipping their steaming cups of Vietnamese coffee, were taken aback as the café’s manager made a daring move. With a twinkle in his eye and a sly smile, he skillfully re-positioned the cooling fan, redirecting its airflow towards an individual who could easily be mistaken for the poster child of obnoxiousness.

Enter our protagonist, a backpacker who proudly boasted about his “worldly exploits” and embarked on a quest to discover “authenticity” while wearing an assortment of cultural trinkets. Clad in a tribal-patterned sarong, a fedora that screamed “cultural appropriation,” and an assortment of questionable tattoos, he sat at the café, regaling anyone within earshot with tales of his adventurous exploits.

Unbeknownst to the backpacker, fate had decided to intervene. As the manager’s hand gracefully guided the fan’s rotation, a gust of cooling air was unleashed upon the unsuspecting traveler. The fan’s strategic maneuver left the locals in stitches, marveling at the sheer brilliance of the universe’s sense of justice.

The backpacker, initially oblivious to the shift in atmospheric currents, reveled in the newfound attention, believing it to be a reflection of his undeniable magnetism. Little did he know that he had become the unwitting recipient of a cosmic prank, courtesy of a rebellious cooling device.

Meanwhile, the café’s regulars exchanged puzzled glances, their eyes mirroring a collective question mark. … Read more

Expat VoicesSatire
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Local Expat Discovers A Feeling of Joy

Posted byNguyen Ayi

By Ngyuen Ayi

In a shocking turn of events, an expat living in Vietnam has discovered that going to the gym brings more joy and fulfillment than going to the local bar to complain about everything he hates about the country.

According to sources close to the expat, who wishes to remain anonymous, he had been a regular at the local watering hole for months, bemoaning everything from the traffic to the food to the weather.

But one day, after a particularly frustrating rant about the lack of air conditioning in his apartment, a fellow expat suggested he try going to the gym instead of drowning his sorrows in beer.

At first, the expat was skeptical. After all, how could lifting weights and running on a treadmill compare to the joy of complaining about everything that’s wrong with Vietnam?

But after just a few weeks of hitting the gym regularly, the expat was hooked. He found that the endorphin rush from a good workout was far more satisfying than the temporary relief he got from complaining about his problems.

Not only that, but he also found that going to the gym gave him a sense of purpose and accomplishment that he had been missing in his life. Instead of wallowing in negativity, he was actively working towards bettering himself and his health.

The expat’s friends were shocked by the transformation they saw in him. No longer was he the grumpy, cynical guy who complained about everything. Instead, he was upbeat, positive, and full of energy.

In fact, the expat himself admitted that he couldn’t believe he had wasted so much time and energy on complaining when he could have been working on improving himself and his life.

So, to all the expats out there who find themselves drowning their sorrows … Read more