Nguyen Ayi

Satire
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Vietnam surpasses 10,000 consecutive days without a mass shooting

By Nguyen Ayi

Hanoi, Vietnam – In a groundbreaking achievement that has left America astounded, Vietnam has now surpassed 10,000 consecutive days without a mass shooting, an incredible feat. As America grapples with the rising menace of gun violence, Vietnam has inadvertently become an inspiration for solidarity, peace, and apparently, extraordinary character-building in its children.

This stunning record has given Vietnamese children a magical opportunity that youth elsewhere can only dream of – to grow up blissfully unaware of active shooter drills. Yes, Vietnam’s children are blissfully ignorant when it comes to hiding under desks, practicing lockdowns, or feeling like little soldiers amidst the increasing paranoia of potential violence.

“There is no greater joy than seeing our innocent children playing carefree in the streets, without the weight of active shooter drills looming over them,” said Nguyen Thi Anh, a parent beaming with pride.

Without the burden of regular lockdown rehearsals, Vietnamese children are experiencing a rather peculiar phenomenon – they’re actually building character. While their counterparts across the globe are reportedly traumatized and stressed due to the constant threat of school shootings, Vietnam’s children are excelling in genuinely beneficial activities.

Instead of cowering behind bulletproof desks, Vietnamese kids are busy nurturing their inherent resourcefulness, creativity, and imagination. These remarkable qualities are said to be flourishing without the need for tense emergency exercises that often leave kids more terrified than empowered.

“Call me old-fashioned, but I firmly believe that real character-building lies in stimulating children’s minds through art, sports, and intellectual growth, not hiding them away from imaginary shooting scenarios,” asserted Trinh Thi Mai, a school teacher, with an unabashed smirk.

Vietnam’s achievement challenges common assumptions about gun violence prevention methods. Perhaps the solution is not an endless cycle of lockdown drills and scare tactics, but rather an emphasis on fostering … Read more

Satire
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Expat Turned Down Service For A Party In A Few Hours

By Nguyen Ayi

Dirk Diggler, renowned connoisseur and regular at Saigon’s finest bar restaurant, recently found himself at the receiving end of a most distressing snub. Much to his dismay, Dirk arrived at his beloved establishment, only to be turned away like a lonely tramp in the night. The reason? A paltry party that was set to happen a few hours hence.

As Dirk stood in front of the ostentatious neon sign that bore the establishment’s name, his signature red jumpsuit seemed to pale in comparison to the weight of his unrequited loyalty. “I can’t believe this!” Dirk lamented, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m a regular here, I practically built this place with my unwavering patronage.”

The irate customer’s claims of exclusivity couldn’t be dismissed. Dirk had, indeed, made an art out of gracing this establishment with his presence. Yet, to his utter dismay, his importance seemed to be overlooked for the sake of a gathering that could’ve easily been held in the local telephone booth.

Adding insult to injury, Dirk couldn’t help but notice the apathy emanating from the disinterested staff. While he stood outside, desperately pleading his case, the employees nonchalantly engrossed themselves in their phones as if the very fate of the establishment didn’t rest on Dirk’s satisfied taste buds.

“I come in here, year after year, and for what? A few selfies and hashtags?” Dirk exclaimed, gesticulating wildly. “If I wanted to compete with attention-seeking teenagers in a desperate bid for online validation, I’d have stayed at home and posted videos of my talents on YouTube.”

As Dirk surveyed the scene inside, his disappointment heightened. The usually bustling place, filled with the harmonious mingling of patrons, was inexplicably desolate. The tables sat vacant, as if mocking his claims of being ousted for this noncommittal soirée. … Read more

Satire
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Revolutionary English Teacher in Saigon Breaks the Chains of Science!

by Nguyen Ayi

Are traditional scientific facts holding back our society? Should we question everything, even basic laws of physics? According to a certain revolutionary English teacher in Saigon, the answer is a resounding YES. Meet Mr. Archibald Q. Unconventional, the proud maverick who is shattering the boundaries of critical thinking, one mask at a time.

In his quest to introduce alternative truths and challenge the very foundation of scientific principles, Mr. Unconventional has taken it upon himself to question the importance of masks in today’s society. While the world grapples with the COVID-19 pandemic, this intrepid educator believes that wearing masks to protect oneself and others is nothing more than an elaborate hoax.

Armed with his unmatched grasp of air-tight logic, Mr. Unconventional proceeds to share his mind-boggling theories with his unsuspecting students. He begins with a scientific argument so complex that the average mind would buckle under its weight: nanometers. With eyes glittering with passion, he mesmerizes his attentive audience with a spiel about how the minuscule size of the virus particles allows them to dance their way through all mask materials.

One child in the class, Timmy, determined to bring attention to his desperation, dares to raise his hand and challenge Mr. Unconventional’s notions. Timmy explains that he wears a mask to hide a particularly troublesome zit from the observant eyes of the girl sitting next to him. Mr. Unconventional nods sagely and replies, “Ah, Timmy, your desire for self-preservation clearly trumps the merits of scientific conformity. We shall highlight this as a shining example of individuality!”

But Mr. Unconventional does not stop there; he endeavors to instigate critical thinking in his students further. He encourages them to embrace a world where gravity can be selectively suspended, where 2+2 can equal 5, and where unicorns roam freely … Read more

Satire
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The Helmetless Maverick

by Ngyuen Ayi

In the bustling streets of Saigon, where chaos reigns supreme, an audacious daredevil has emerged to challenge societal norms and disregard common sense. Meet Mr. Nguyen Le, a man who single-handedly epitomizes the epitome of recklessness and cavalier behavior on the roads of Vietnam’s capital. Armed with the audacity of a superhero and the incompetence of a toddler, Mr. Le fearlessly embarks on his epic daily commute, leaving spectators in awe and terror alike.

For starters, Mr. Le boldly defies the universally accepted notion that helmets save lives. Wrongly assuming that his head is made of sterner stuff than mere bones, he traverses the busy streets with his toddler perched precariously on his lap, their precious skulls exposed to the perils of Saigon’s unforgiving roads. Truly, his unwavering defiance of helmet laws demonstrates his unwavering commitment to freedom and absolute lunacy.

But that’s not all, folks! As if flaunting his helmetless gallantry wasn’t enough, Mr. Le takes multitasking to unprecedented heights. Picture this: a motorbike hurtling down the road at breakneck speed as our intrepid adventurer navigates the treacherous sea of traffic, deftly maneuvering to avoid fellow motorists. While you might assume his focus should be solely on the road, Mr. Le, in an awe-inspiring display of modern-day sorcery, manages to expertly text his friends simultaneously. Truly, his underdeveloped sense of responsibility is a marvel to behold.

Now, where would our fearless hero be without his trusty cigarette? Ever the epitome of coolness, Mr. Le calmly inhales toxic chemicals, ensuring that carcinogens and carbon monoxide can likewise endanger his young companion. Surely, witnessing this unholy alliance of smoke and child endangerment is enough to bring tears to even the hardiest of hearts.

In a stroke of genius and unparalleled innovation, Mr. Le has found a way to … Read more

Satire
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Expat Selflessly Helps Keep Stray Dogs From Making And Creating Accidents

By Ngyuen Ayi

A dedicated expatriate has devised a groundbreaking strategy to keep the community in Saigon exceptionally clean – by feeding stray dogs rat poison treats.

Saigon, a city known for its bustling streets and vibrant culture, has long been plagued by the menace of stray dogs. These canines, notorious for causing traffic accidents and leaving their business cards (excrement) in front of countless local establishments, have become a daily nuisance for the residents. But thanks to the audacious efforts of one expat, Dick Kibble, whose creativity and sheer disregard for animal welfare, those days might be over.

The strategy is admirably straightforward – the expat replicates a gourmet treat formula laced with rat poison that only stray dogs find irresistible. Amazingly, the treats appear to work like magic, leading to a significant reduction in the once prevalent canine chaos. Locals are now enjoying peaceful walks down the street, free from the fear of being chased, bitten, or running into any more piles of furry trouble.

This ingenious plan, however, does come with its share of risks. After all, the expat must remain cautious, ensuring that he doesn’t mistakenly confuse the rat poison treats with the ones meant for his own beloved dog creating quite the fur-raising mix-up! “I considered doing late night walks and stabbing them in the throat, but the doggie treats seem to be easiest option,” Kibble explained.

As we ponder the consequences of Kibble’s courageous crusade, we can’t help but envision a future where every resident takes it upon themselves to keep their community clean, not by resorting to rat poison, but through education, responsible pet ownership, and overall civic awareness. In the meantime, we can only hope that the expat continues managing his rat poison offerings with the utmost precision, avoiding any unintended consequences … Read more

Expat VoicesNews
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The American Dream: A Vietnamese Person’s Nightmare

Hanoi, Vietnam – For years, Nguyen Pham worked tirelessly to achieve the American dream. He scrimped and saved every penny he had, even selling his home in Vietnam to fund his journey to the “Land of the Free”. After many months of hard work and perseverance, he landed on American soil, eagerly anticipating a life filled with success, prosperity, and boundless opportunity.

An Unsustainable Life

Unfortunately for Nguyen, the reality of living in America was nothing like he had imagined. From the exorbitant cost of rent to the lack of affordable public transportation, lack of affordable rent, lack of affordable food, and lack of affordable healthcare, his dreams of a better life were quickly shattered. Life in America was not what he expected, and he soon realized that the American dream was a lie. Running a business in America had untold expenses from every level of government, compared to Vietnam when he started out of his house without issues.

To make matters worse, Nguyen discovered that sending his children to school in America came with its own set of problems. Instead of learning valuable knowledge and skills, they were exposed to active shooter drills, dumb Americans, and the constant threat of gun violence.

Don’t Move To America

“Why did I even bother chasing this so-called American dream?” Nguyen lamented. “My kids would have been better off studying in schools in Vietnam, where they would have never been subjected to the fear of being shot.” Nguyen also failed to research all of the economic data that shows which nations are in decline and which have a growing economic future.

Nguyen’s story serves as a cautionary tale for those who have been sold the false promise of the American dream. While the lure of opportunity and success may be enticing, the reality Read more

EducationSatire
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ESL Advertisements And HR Promises Result In Exact Salaries And Perks

By Nguyen Ayi

 

 

ESL jobs provide a lucrative offer in the form of an advertised salary which usually comes out to be the exact amount you will get paid. No pesky confusion between gross and net income here! And if the advertised salary wasn’t enough to get you excited, don’t worry! There are loads of other bonuses such as housing and relocation packages, sign-on perks, and early start bonuses. And the best part is, you can rest assured that you will definitely receive all of these perks.

Professional development is also a huge perk of these jobs. It provides a refresher course for teachers who have been doing the exact same thing for years and years. Plus, veteran teachers get to show around new hires, like a free mentor and consultant, while the overseas hire gets relocation benefits and housing. If you are a veteran middle-aged teacher, be sure to show around the twenty-something hire making the benefits you have never received.

But wait, there’s more! Nineteen-year-old HR executives, who are fresh out of college, are in charge of hiring and they definitely have your best interests at heart. They won’t be jealous of your five times higher salary at all because, in twenty years in the midst of their career, they’ll be making 20 times that amount. These executives are generous enough to offer top-notch advice like recommending you spend three weeks in a hotel in another country before rushing back for a start date, only to later delay it for several weeks.

If they play other HR games like making you train for free and see how much of a monkey dance you will do for Children’s Day, fear not, you are a respected educator. Finally, we can’t go on without mentioning the amazing benefits of … Read more