Nguyen Ayi

In a bold move to enrich government officials at the expense of the public, Vietnam has announced a new decree set to take effect on January 1, 2025, that will introduce exorbitantly higher fines for traffic violations. This latest initiative is being celebrated as a leap towards a “civilized lifestyle,” but many citizens are starting to suspect it’s more about filling the coffers.

Forget about running red lights or riding on the sidewalk; the real crime here is not turning in your fellow motorists. As the government dangles these new fines—some reaching a staggering VND50 million ($1,965)—over the heads of drivers like a piñata filled with cash for officials, we can expect a new era of street confrontations. Imagine the delightful chaos as drivers turn vigilante, snitching on each other for minor infractions. Traffic stops will transform into full-blown brawls, as neighbors turn against neighbors in a frenzy of finger-pointing and vehicular outrage.

The decree also prohibits turning on red lights, which means that traffic jams will become a permanent fixture in the urban landscape. Expect to spend your entire lunch hour idling at the same intersection, dreaming of the days when a simple right turn wouldn’t require a degree in patience. Increased wait times will not only lead to road rage but also to a new form of urban meditation—perhaps we’ll all learn the art of zen while stuck in gridlock.

As the fines skyrocket, so too will the financial anxiety of countless commuters. Imagine a world where yielding to pedestrians costs you an entire month’s salary. Suddenly, the decision to stop for a pedestrian at a zebra crossing becomes a high-stakes gamble, and many will simply roll the dice. After all, with fines 27-30 times higher than before, you might as well take your chances.

Supporters of this … Read more

Ministry of Health Announces Dengue Fever Does Not Alter Sexual Orientation

Leading scientists have confirmed that contracting dengue fever does not, in fact, make one gay as a weatherman. The Ministry of Health’s announcement comes after months of rampant speculation of the Vietnamese youth who have been embracing fashion, dance, Taylor Swift, and having hairless, hot bods.

Those infected with dengue fever were reporting a sudden change in their sexual preferences, but doctors think in facing mortality one is more likely to gay it up if in a conservative society.”When facing death, one considers putting on their mom’s dress and hitting a drag show, and I think that’s natural, said Nguyen Pham, who recently was sucked my a mosquito. (Mosquito is his church friend’s drag name.)

Dr. Linh Thanh, the lead researcher at the Ministry of Health, stated, “We’ve conducted extensive research and can conclusively say that the dengue virus, transmitted by the Aedes mosquito, has absolutely no impact on an individual’s sexual orientation.”

Public health officials have emphasized the importance of focusing on preventive measures such as eliminating standing water and using insect repellent. “Let’s put our energy into fighting the real enemy here: mosquitoes, not our own hot man-lusting sexual identities,” commented Dr. Thinh.

Maps Guides Phuc My on the Perfect Grab Car Journey

Hanoi, Vietnam—Google Maps has finally pinpointed the optimal route for Phuc My’s Grab Car ride through the bustling streets of Vietnam’s capital. Eyewitness reports confirm that for the first time ever, Google’s navigation app led My on the most efficient path imaginable, devoid of detours, stray dogs, and improvisational pop-up beverage stands.

At precisely 3:15 PM on a Tuesday, Phuc My tapped his phone screen and summoned a Grab Car, optimism glimmering in his eyes. As fate would have it, the ride would not only be a mundane affair; it would go down in history as a GPS triumph. “I thought it was a joke,” Phuc recounted, still in shock. “I mean, we didn’t stop for coconut water, and there were no incidents involving a wayward old lady selling sausages or a leisurely family of ducks waddling across the road!”

The journey, charted by Google Maps, took Phuc straight from his office in Cau Giay to Hoan Kiem Lake—a route that ordinarily resembles a labyrinth constructed by a toddler on a caffeine high. Instead of enduring the usual chaotic zigzags of motorbikes, vendor stalls, and cinematic near-scrapes with oblivious pedestrians, Phuc found himself cruising down a straight, uninterrupted path—made all the more surreal by the scenic views of Hanoi’s shimmering skyline.

“Our algorithm finally reflects the real world,” said a Google spokesperson, attempting to downplay the groundbreaking achievement. “We ran thousands of simulations with untested mapping data from the ‘Black Mirror’ universe and concluded it was indeed possible to navigate efficiently when the sun reaches its zenith and all stray animals have taken their obligatory afternoon naps.”

The Grab driver, Dong “No Detours” Nguyen, revealed his own surprise at the efficiency. “I’ve been driving for years, and I always assumed … Read more

by Joe Fotalattee

In a heartwarming display of camaraderie, Vietnam’s billionaires have recently taken to state-owned media to share the emotional toll of their immense wealth, particularly in the realm of labor exploitation via private investment schools. “It’s not as easy being a tycoon as you might think,” sighed Tran Van Phú, a prominent billionaire and owner of a conglomerate of private schools, as he deftly twirled a golden pen inscribed with the phrase “Hard Work Pays Off” inlaid with diamonds.

“It’s exhausting being this successful. While I’m enjoying my third mansion in LA, I often find myself reflecting on the burden of our success.”

Phú, alongside fellow magnates, addressed the nation about their struggles to balance profit margins with the emotional turmoil of exploiting labor. “Our schools offer ‘educational opportunities’ for underprivileged children, but have you heard about the emotional stress that comes from not providing teachers the basics like paid vacation? It haunts me. I can’t even find time to lobby for another tax break,” he lamented.

An even heavier weight: family members borrowing minuscule sums from them. “I have a niece who owes me 500,000 VND,” he continued, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “How could she do this to me?”

Nguyen Thi Mi, another billionaire who revolutionized fast fashion through sweatshop labor, chimed in. “Just last week, my cousin asked me for a small loan of 1 million VND for a school trip. I mean, can you imagine? It’s shameful! Now I have to compute interest rates based on a debt that could barely buy a pair of silk socks. How do you navigate those kinds of family dynamics while also trying to maintain a pristine real estate portfolio handed down from my grandparents?”

Luxury in a Lonely World

As they continued their confessions, it became apparent … Read more