Nguyen Ayi

Arts and CultureSatire
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K-Pop Star Joon-Ho Doesn’t Take His Own Life

Posted byNguyen Ayi
By Joe Fotalattee
Seoul, South Korea— The entertainment industry was left in shock, when K-Pop sensation Joon-ho “J-Hope” Park has defiantly chosen to not take his own life. Industry insiders are scrambling to comprehend how a star consistently surrounded by pressure, unrealistic beauty standards, and crippling loneliness could possibly come to the conclusion that jumping off the top of his penthouse apartment building wasn’t a good idea.
Sources close to J-Hope reveal a distressingly long list of incentives that should have prompted a tragic end. Among these are:
1. Endless Comparisons: From his stunningly perfect vocal range to his seemingly naive grin, J-Hope faces unrelenting comparisons to his fellow idols. After all, how can one contend with the jaw-dropping looks of every other K-Pop star? All you need is a toaster and a bathtub, J-Hope!
2. The Insatiable Fanbase: With millions of devoted fans demanding both flawless performances and personal interactions, the pressure should be too much. How could one respond to 10,000 fan messages a day? Wouldn’t it be easier to suck on a tailpipe for five minutes with those blowjob Botox lips, J-Hope?
3. The Whimsical Punishment of “Breakup Cutes”: In K-Pop, break up songs are just an opportunity to market a new skincare line—because nothing heals a broken heart quite like a fresh 12-step regimen. Can you imagine being a part of that genius yet miserable cycle? Time to break-up with yourself and use that Gucci belt on your neck, J-Hope!
4. Diet Culture Gone Wild: As one of the elite stars, J-Hope is expected to adhere to a diet that includes approximately 5 rice grains a day, washed down with a smoothie made of pure misery. How easy would it be to add a touch of arsenic, J-Hope?
5. The Polished Facade: With multiple plastic surgeries
… Read more
EducationSatire
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Insurrectionists Breaking English Teaching Contracts

Posted byNguyen Ayi

This article was published in coordination with presidentlardass.com, Propublica did not contribute to this article and will not return our calls.

By Joe Fotalatte

Hanoi, Vietnam –- January 6 insurrectionists who previously fled the U.S. to teach English abroad find themselves re-evaluating life decisions following rumors of a forthcoming presidential pardon. “Teaching here was supposed to be my safe harbor,” lamented Todd Flake who was photographed in Nancy Pelosi’s office with a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag wrapped around his neck. “But now, it feels like breaking my contract is harder than breaking into her office to take a dump on her desk!”

Flake’s English teaching gig had been smooth sailing at first, until he heard whispers of Trump’s plans to pardon those charged in the January 6 Capitol riot. “I thought I’d be hiding out here for a while,” he sighed. “But the idea of being pardoned feels like a chance to make a run for it back to the U.S. I might as well bring a jackhammer to my contract because, much like the Department of Education, it’s going to get obliterated!”

In a bustling café just off Hoan Kiem Lake, former rioter Mike “The Patriot” Johnson said that he never intended to leave his beloved NFL fantasy football league, yet here he was: an English teacher in Vietnam, desperately longing for touchdown updates. “I punched a cop for menacing my freedoms, and boom! Now, I’m teaching second graders about past tense verbs instead of discussing why the refs are blind as bats,” he grumbled. “I traded in my flag for a chalkboard, and the only thing I miss more than the gridiron is a good American cheese! You know, real cheese. Not that weird Happy Cow pasteurized stuff they sell here.”

Johnson reminisced about the heavenly … Read more

Horoscopes
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November 2024 Horoscopes

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

There are a few tips here which will help you look up for zodiacs. This month, the stars align and create the best conditions for you to try out extreme knitting. Stop after you create a toilet paper cover doily.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Gourmet tofu food is in the works for some of you. Most of you hate the thought of it, but many of you will appreciate the lack of taste because it is something new.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Vendetta within your nature this month as you are wishing to lounge around with a reality show and create a manuscript. You can devise a concept for a reality film depicting the moving saga of your cat, but it keeps scratching off the Gopro.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This month prepare to acquire the ability to speak to your houseplants if you haven’t been trained in it already. Expect them to spill the tea on the origin of pictures and their significance. But do not let them fool you; they know nothing about romance and should not give you any advice regarding it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your innate charm will lure people towards you like a moth to a flame… Or like a pigeon towards a warm hot dog or an elevator to a fart.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are likely to realise that your mania for tidiness is contained in a positive way: a sock drawer organized by color and other witty categories! Nope, that will be the highlight of your month. No worries; the cosmos is quite happy with your efforts.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The eternal thirst for harmony will take an odd turn in … Read more

NewsSatire
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We’re Back: Alex Jones Saves The Beat!

Posted byNguyen Ayi

by Joe Fotalatte

It’s been a year and a half since we collectively decided that the universe would run just fine without our analytical input. Hunkered down in our homes, we attempted what we can only describe as a “transformative experience”—and if by transformative if you mean drinking 12 beers every night until you pass out and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, the world outside remained astoundingly unchanged. That’s right; for 18 months, we’ve confirmed: absolutely nothing was broken. Only the café on our corner in Saigon changed names three times. Like The Beat, perhaps this new modern redesign will finally make it profitable.

In light of our grand hiatus, we considered ourselves somewhat in a news blackout. After all, why report on the mundane when you can pursue the almost nonexistent? Much like reality TV, the stagnation of the news cycle led us to explore hobbies like extreme origami. Folding paper into bamboo shoots turned into a competitive adventure that involved long walks, breathing techniques, and some questionable glue-sniffing. Competitive Vegetable Sculpting led us to discover we didn’t like our Broccoli Barack once it started judging us.

After all these adventures in nothingness, we have returned to our roots with huge developments, including a new ownership of The Beat site. Hold on to your toupees! The guru of sensationalism himself, the Infowars guy, has swooped in using a secret coupon code from a coupon site, he managed to get a 30% discount and obtained our old domain—after only seven unsuccessful code attempts.

“We cannot be silenced!” he exclaimed, “The country of Vietnam will be a safe haven for our business, and it was already the source for most of our fake boner pills.”

The new ownership does not change The Beat’s mission … Read more

News
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Lost In Smoke

Posted byNguyen Ayi

By Ngyuen Ayi

A new generation is taking steps towards shorter lifespans and lifelong health problems

The prevalence of addiction among Vietnamese youth is a growing concern in society, particularly when it comes to vaping and marijuana use. The harmful effects of these substances can have detrimental impacts on the overall health and well-being of young individuals.

1: Vaping and marijuana use pose risks to the youth.

As with any addictive substance, quitting vaping and marijuana is a common desire among young individuals. It is important to note that these habits negatively impact various aspects of their health, including their heart. In fact, a significant number of heart disease-related deaths in Vietnam can be attributed to smoking tobacco and exposure to secondhand smoke.

When attempting to transition away from traditional cigarettes or marijuana use, it is not uncommon for Vietnamese youth to turn to vaping or electronic cigarettes as potential alternatives. However, it is essential to consider whether these options are indeed healthier and if they can aid in completely quitting smoking or marijuana.

2: Vaping and marijuana use can have adverse effects on heart and lung health.

Both vaping and marijuana contain harmful substances that can harm the heart and lungs. While there may be fewer toxic substances in vaping compared to smoking traditional cigarettes, the surge in lung injuries and deaths associated with vaping is a cause for concern. In Vietnam, there have been cases of severe lung injuries and deaths related to the use of vaping devices, especially those that have been modified or contain THC, a component of marijuana.

Research conducted by universities has uncovered various chemical ingredients in vape products, some of which are potentially harmful. Furthermore, the long-term impacts of vaping on physical health, especially heart and lung health, remain uncertain.

3: Vaping and … Read more

CrimeNews
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Trump Is A Criminal (Source: CNN, translated)

Posted byNguyen Ayi

 

Trump đã đăng ký ở Quận Fulton, lần thứ tư trong năm nay ông phải đối mặt với cáo buộc hình sự. Đây là những gì chúng tôi biết

Từ nhân viên CNN

Donald Trump trở thành cựu tổng thống đầu tiên bị bắn cốc khi ông bị quản thúc tại nhà tù Quận Fulton vào tối thứ Năm.

Trump đã bị buộc tội 13 tội danh xuất phát từ nỗ lực đảo ngược kết quả bầu cử năm 2020 của Georgia – bao gồm gian lận, cáo buộc âm mưu và xúi giục một quan chức vi phạm lời tuyên thệ nhậm chức của họ.

Đây là lần thứ tư trong năm nay cựu tổng thống phải đối mặt với cáo buộc hình sự.

Dưới đây là những điều cần biết về ngày lịch sử:

Chuyện gì đã xảy ra: Cựu tổng thống mặc bộ vest xanh đậm và cà vạt đỏ, đến nhà tù Quận Fulton vào khoảng 7:30 tối. ET. Sau khi đầu hàng, anh ta bị bắt và bị buộc tội hơn chục tội danh. Hồ sơ nhà tù liệt kê anh ta cao 6 feet 3 inch và nặng 215 pound, với đôi mắt xanh và mái tóc vàng hoặc dâu tây. Số đặt chỗ của anh ấy là P01135809. Một bức ảnh chụp cốc cũng đã được chụp.
Phát hành trái phiếu: Quá trình đặt vé được hoàn thành trong vòng chưa đầy 20 phút vì cựu tổng thống và các luật sư của ông đã thương lượng thỏa thuận trái phiếu đồng ý của ông trước khi đầu hàng. Trump đã đồng ý với khoản tiền bảo lãnh 200.000 USD và các điều kiện trả tự do khác, bao gồm cả việc không sử dụng mạng xã hội để nhắm vào các … Read more

CrimeNews
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Bản cáo trạng thứ tư: Doanh nghiệp hình sự của Trump bị buộc tội trong âm mưu gian lận bầu cử

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Các cáo buộc bao gồm Lừa đảo Hoa Kỳ và cố gắng gian lận bầu cử.

161 hành vi phạm tội được trình bày chi tiết trong bản cáo trạng và bao gồm 41 tội danh bao gồm Đấu giá:

ĐỌC TOÀN BỘ CHỈ ĐỊNH GA TẠI ĐÂY

BẢN KIỆN Tòa Thượng thẩm Quận Fulton £375

Ngày: 14 tháng 8 năm 2023

Che Alexander, Thư ký Thư ký Tòa án Số 7

TÒA CAO CẤP FULTON

TIỂU BANG GEORGIA

v.v.

DONALD JOHN TRUMP

Đếm 1,5, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19,

OCGA § 16-10-20

TUYÊN BỐ VÀ BÀI VIẾT SAI

OCGA § 16-10-20

KHAI THÁC

OCGA § 16-10-70(a)

ĐẾM 1 trên 41

Đại bồi thẩm đoàn nói trên, nhân danh và đại diện cho công dân Georgia, làm theo đây

buộc tội và buộc tội:

DONALD JOHN TRUMP,

RUDOLPH WILLIAM LOUIS GIULIANI,

JOHN CHARLES EASTMAN,

ĐÁNH GIÁ RANDALL MEADOWS,

KENNETH JOHN CI-IESEBRO,

JEFFREY BOSSERT CLARK,

JENNA LYNN ELLIS,

CỬA HÀNG RAY SMITH III,

ROBERT DAVID CHEELEY,

MICHAEL A. ROMAN,

DAVID JAMES SHAFER,

SHAWN MICAH TRESI-IER VẪN,

STEPHEN CLIFFGARD LEE,

HARRISON WILLIAM PRESCOTT FLOYD,

TREVIAN C. KUTTI,

SIDNEY KATHERINE POWELL,

CATHLEEN ALSTON LATHAM,

SCOTT GRAHAM HALL, và

MISTY HAMPTON

với tội VI PHẠM TI-IE GEORGIA RICO (RACKETEER

CÁC TỔ CHỨC BỊ ẢNH HƯỞNG VÀ THAM NHŨNG) ACT, OCGA § 16-14-4(c), đối với bị cáo nói trên, với tư cách cá nhân và những người có liên quan trong việc thực hiện tội phạm, và cùng với những kẻ đồng phạm chưa bị buộc tội, ở Bang Georgia và Quận của Fulton, vào và giữa ngày 4 tháng 11 năm 2020 và ngày 15 tháng 9 năm 2022, trong khi liên kết với một doanh nghiệp, đã âm mưu và cố gắng thực hiện và tham gia một cách bất hợp pháp,

… Read more