Entire Nation Celebrates ASEAN Championship on Techcombank Credit Card
HANOI — At 110 minutes, Nguyen Hai Long slammed the winner and Vietnam completed a 3–2 comeback. The country didn’t just win a soccer match — it unlocked a new national pastime: applying for a Techcombank credit card with “0% interest for six months”. Fans compared the 6-month interest freeze to extra time — glorious while it lasts, lethal in penalties. “We scored in the last minute and got a card in the first,” said one supporter, proving Vietnam’s tactical substitutions for a living wage now include credit products.
Vietnam beat Thailand in the final rounds. Office workers without offices, freelancers without current gigs and unemployed uncles in conical hats lined up outside Techcombank branches and the mobile app like it was Black Friday at a noodle stall. “We don’t know why they keep extending credit to us,” said one jubilant fan who cheerfully added he didn’t currently have a job but had already spent his welcome bonus on celebratory bánh mì and a karaoke session with five versions of “We Are The Champions” queued. Techcombank politely sent the 0%-for-6-months offer just as the national mood switched from “we might” to “we did,” which proved excellent timing for impulse spending and national optimism.
Fans are advised to hydrate, avoid celebratory motos with credit cards between teeth, and remember that “0% for six months” is not the same as “forever.” The national financial coach recommended planning for the post-freebie penalty shootout (high-interest rates), but most supporters insisted the team — and their wallets — deserved a parade first.
Vietnam celebrated like champions, swiped like students with exam anxiety and treated Techcombank’s six-month freeze as national extra time. When the party ends and the bill arrives, expect a new kind of halftime analysis: one involving budgets, interest calculators and a lot more … Read more
Expat Regrets French Influence Resulting In Restaurant Reservations
HO CHI MINH CITY—Pierre Dupue, a French expatriate, revels in the French influences that have sprinkled their essence across Vietnam. The architecture of Ho Chi Minh City captivates him; every colonial building stands as poetic evidence of French ingenuity and artistic ambition. Eating snails (escargots) is a genuine pleasure he enjoys, pairing them with a glass of wine secured under his beret. The Thai-style toilet bidet is now his closest ally in hygiene, while French bread banh mi fills his belly with worthy sustenance.
Yet, on a fateful sunny day, Pierre’s bravado met its match as he approached the doors of “Oc Gay” he was met with a bold proclamation: “Monsieur, désolé, we are fully booked!”
Confused, Pierre squinted through the vast, unoccupied dining area with only a lone table for two. “Fully booked? But it’s so empty!” he exclaimed, incredulous and slightly agitated. The staff, clad in crisp aprons, maintained a stoic demeanor reminiscent of a Parisian museum guard, firmly repeating their unyielding policy: no reservation, no entry, regardless of the physical capacity of the room.
“I could fit a whole family of five at that table!” Pierre argued, his bemusement turning to utter frustration. After all, he had entered this space with the swagger of someone accustomed to the laid-back charm of French dining etiquette, where spontaneity is key and reservations are for those who lack the joie de vivre.
As he exited, Pierre mulled over the paradox of French restaurants abroad that seem to embrace rigidity over the relaxed charm that characterizes much of French life. “Here I am, defending the great French legacy! But why must I navigate these bureaucratic hoops?” he lamented.
Despite his outrage, Pierre remains hopeful for a culinary revolution within Ho Chi Minh City. Perhaps one day, the French attribute will reclaim … Read more
Foreigner Surprised by Stray Pube In Urinal
What’s with that one stray, darker, thicker, and slightly less curly pube?
Ho Chi Minh City— While Scott Deshew, a foreign IT worker, is usually unfazed by the state of Saigon’s bathrooms, he claims everything is up to Western standards at this point. According to Deshew, hand soap is available, bathrooms are clean, patrons generally keep their shorts on, and they even have the little plastic balls to shoot at. “At least it’s not like using a public restroom in the States. There, you risk encountering a right wing congressman.”
Airports used to be the only places with clean restrooms that met his expectations, but now there are Western-style toilets for his convenience everywhere. “But what’s with that one stray, darker than normal, thicker, and slightly less curly Asian pube?” Deshew inquired.
Scott began to wonder if squatter toilets should make a comeback. “Apparently, they were known to be more sanitary, and now we’re experiencing an increase in colon cancer. Maybe squatting is the secret to a healthy colon. It’s either that or lobbying for protecting the bidet as a national treasure”, Deshew said while reflecting on the rise in obesity in children, and the increasing number of McDonald’s opening up.
Reflecting on the cultural differences, Deshew added, “I thought I might need to enroll in a bathroom etiquette class. How do you address a stray hair? Do you call it out like a lost child? ‘Excuse me! Is this yours?’
Scott found himself trying to sink the rogue pube like an arcade game, aiming his stream with the precision of a seasoned gamer. “At least it’s not a cigarette butt,” he chuckled. “If it were, the only option would be to reach in and pick it up like the claw prize game. I’ve never smoked a free cigarette pulled … Read more
Teacher Defends Special K and E as Letters of The Day
Ho Chi Minh City—Red-eyed and stinking of cheap, stale cigarettes and Saigon Green, teacher Molly defended her nine-day absence from work due to her exploration of different letters of the alphabet. She insists that she performs her best listening and correction of ESL students after a night of cooking up horse tranquilizers in the form of Ketamine. “Sometimes I take the kids out in the yard to play Horse with a basketball. It teaches them spelling and English, and they get exercise after their International school moms force-feed them French fries from McDonald’s,” remarked Molly, as she spat from her bad teeth, slowly increasing her volume for no apparent reason.
Molly claims that her unconventional methods offer a unique educational experience. “You see, when I’m high on Special K, I can truly appreciate the depth and nuance of the alphabet. Letters like ‘E’ aren’t just shapes to me; they become vibrant characters waiting to be explored,” she added, her eyes glazing over. “And what better way to illustrate the letter ‘E’ than with a little bit of ecstasy? It’s all about feeling, with letters and life itself!”
When questioned about the absence of traditional teaching methods, school administrators responded cautiously. “While we applaud creativity in teaching, we must also consider the well-being of our students and the integrity of our curriculum,” said Principal Nguyen, adjusting her glasses. “We’re currently evaluating whether this ‘letter of the day’ approach aligns with our educational standards.”
Despite the controversy, Molly remains unfazed. “Education should be an exploration—like a wild trip through the cosmos of letters!” she declared, channeling what she referred to as her *inner innovator*. “I just want my students to feel free, to express themselves, and to spell without the chains of conventionality holding them back.”
As students continue to bask in … Read more
Danang Residents Confined Like English Teachers
As the winds howl and the skies darken over Danang, residents are finding themselves in a predicament that feels alarmingly familiar to one demographic in particular: English teachers caught in the delicate web of drug-related misdemeanors. Yes, as the government issues warnings about the approaching typhoon, it seems the locals are getting a taste of what it feels like to be an international educator with a penchant for poor decision-making. Former teacher and current Danang resident, Tommy Milfhunter lamented, “At least at school and in prison, you get the same bell for recess.”
In Danang, homes are becoming the new cells. Residents stare out at the furious winds, channeling their inner English teacher who, coincidentally, is also wearing sweatpants. After all, you’re in lockdown; might as well look like you just rolled out of bed after a late-night Netflix binge. That horizon you used to love? It’s now obscured by the mental bars of impending doom.
“We’re under a mandatory lockdown,” one resident remarked, looking wistfully out the window. “Reminds me of those English teachers who say they can’t leave the house because they’ve been ‘detained for questioning.'”
What does it mean to be “locked down” during a typhoon? Well, it appears to be a much more terrifying and windswept version of the usual school day. Those ‘detained’ English teachers might have an edge, as they often find themselves under the presumption that if they can survive a life confined with teenage students, nothing really shakes them.
But for Danang residents, the reality might be a tad more grim. It’s like sharing a prison cell with someone who insists on breaking into spontaneous poetry. “Hey, can you keep it down? I’m trying to survive a typhoon here!”
In prison, you get one meal a day, limited communication, and the occasional … Read more
Expat Relieved to Find His Drugs of Choice Are Legal: Coffee, Beer, and Cigarettes
HO CHI MINH CITY, VIETNAM— Amidst local conversation about degenerate foreigners, one expat is celebrating a personal victory: the continued legality of his beloved substances—coffee, beer, and cigarettes.
Peter Johnson, an enthusiastic English teacher and proud connoisseur of life’s indulgences. “I can’t believe it!” he exclaimed while sipping a steaming cup of artisan coffee brewed just moments before. “Here, I can enjoy my vices without the fear of legal repercussions.”
While Peter enjoys his brew, let’s take a quick look at the numbers. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), alcohol kills approximately 2.8 million people a year globally. Tobacco-related illnesses claim around 8 million lives annually. Yet, Peter’s local café owner isn’t worried about those stats. “The only figures that matter are the ones on my tax forms,” he chuckled, mixing up a fresh batch of coffee cocktails that somehow balances both caffeine and alcohol.
Peter offers a conspiratorial grin as he lights up his cigarette, “It’s simple economics. I can keep smoking and drinking because local businesses know they can’t afford to upset their cash cows.”
For Peter, the allure of his ‘approved’ substances offers a sense of freedom that folks are more than happy to exploit. “If I were back home, I’d be nervously skirting around the law for much less while slaving away for some over-inflated bureaucratic virtue signaling.”
While he indulges in what could only be described as a vice trifecta (coffee in the morning, beers at noon, and cigarettes by evening), Peter remains indifferent to how much taxpayer money goes towards healthcare for conditions related to his choices. “At the end of the day, this is a free country,” he declares, raising his beer in a toast to questionable governance and exceptional caffeine.
As Peter relishes his drinks, he reflects on the raw essence … Read more