Nguyen Ayi

Expat Voices
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Front-Row Seats to the Hegseth Shitshow

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Published in partnership with presidentlardass.com, Propublica did not contribute to this story and won’t return our calls

By Tammy Pon

What a glorious day to be an expat in Vietnam, watching the American circus from afar! Today’s feature presentation? The Senate Armed Services Committee’s hearing on Pete Hegseth, the man with a résumé as questionable as the reasons behind the Vietnam War itself.

Picture this: a gaggle of veterans, veterans of a war they lost, standing at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, rallying behind Hegseth. It’s like watching a bunch of medieval knights proudly waving their flags after a disastrous defeat, all because they’re convinced that their ideology—whatever that means—makes them the true victors. You know, that same ideology that led to the killing of innocents because, well, freedom.

Hegseth is strutting into this hearing with a cocktail of allegations swirling around him like a well-mixed Mai Tai. He’s got reports of wild drinking, sexual harassment, and financial mismanagement that could make even the most seasoned expat raise an eyebrow. He’s qualified to be an underpaid English teacher with no benefits, no vacation, and excessive teaching hours in Saigon. He deserves the worst place in the world to teach English.  Speaking of mincing words, look at Hegseth’s staunch opposition to renaming military bases that honor Confederate generals. I mean, why change a name? It’s not like the world has evolved since the Civil War. And hey, if you’re going to hang onto a piece of history, why not cling to the parts that glorify losing causes?

And then there’s his delightful little manifesto, “An American Crusade,” where he calls for a holy war against anyone he deems an “internal enemy.” Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The only difference is that this time, instead of sending troops overseas to battle vague … Read more

Good NewsNews
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Fake Editorial Board Pleased With Saigon’s Progress (No Joke!)

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In an effort to balance our relentless ribbing of the city’s quirks, we, the editorial board of The Vietnam Beat, have come to the revelatory conclusion that perhaps we ought to pause for a moment and acknowledge the undeniable successes of our beloved city. Yes, we’ve poked fun at the bureaucratic ballet that is our traffic enforcement, but let us not forget that Saigon is also strutting down the runway of progress, and it’s time we put down the snark and give credit where credit is due.

In recent weeks, Tuoi Tre News has been providing diligent reporting on the challenges stemming from the city’s new traffic fines. The publication has taken an admirable stance in highlighting the disproportionate impact these fines have had on the community, particularly on taxi drivers who have felt the brunt of the enforcement measures. With many drivers boycotting due to the financial strain imposed by these fines, Tuoi Tre News has played a critical role in bringing these issues to light, ensuring that the voices of those impacted are heard. Their commitment to journalistic integrity serves as a vital check on the city’s administration, reminding us all that transparency is essential for a thriving urban environment.

Moreover, it’s important to acknowledge the city’s response to these pressing concerns. In an effort to alleviate congestion and improve the flow of traffic, local officials have installed 80 new right turn signals at key intersections. This proactive measure shows a willingness to adapt and respond to the challenges presented by the recent changes in traffic regulations. By creating a more efficient traffic system, the city is taking steps toward a more navigable Saigon, demonstrating that they are listening to the community and striving to improve the urban landscape.

Additionally, let us raise our glasses (of iced … Read more

Satire
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The Editor’s Friend’s Financial Burden

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Guest Editorial By Tuan Twat

The Views Expressed Here Are Not Necessarily The Views Of Vietnam Beat, Although We Probably Still Despise You As The Reader.

As I sit in my sprawling mansion—an architectural marvel that boasts seven bedrooms, an infinity pool, and a home gym that rivals the local fitness center—I can’t help but reflect on how well I’m doing. You see, despite my countless triumphs and the hundreds of thousands of dollars I rake in annually, I must lament the tragic financial plight of my family members who haven’t paid me back for that $50 I lent them three years ago. Yes, it’s true: while I am living the dream, I bear the heavy burden of their debt.

Now, I fully understand that this newspaper absolutely should not be giving me a platform to air my grievances about how privileged I am to complain. But let’s be honest—what else could you possibly want to read about? The struggles of a middle-class family trying to make ends meet? Yawn. Instead, let me tell you about my struggle with maintaining a lifestyle that includes regular visits from my housekeeper, who I swear has been using too much bleach on my marble floors.

Oh, the sacrifices I make! Just last week, I had to budget for my kids’ tuition at an elite university in the U.S., a country that is, let’s face it, a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment. I mean, who wouldn’t want their children to have the chance to develop a drug habit or start a small fire at their fourth home near UCLA? The American Dream, right? I often hear my friends in Vietnam say, “Nguyen, it must be so fulfilling to have children at such prestigious institutions!” And I respond, “Yes, but at what … Read more

News
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100 Benefits of Sitting on One’s Ass

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In a world that often glorifies constant activity and productivity, the simple act of sitting on one’s ass can be overlooked. However, this seemingly mundane position can offer a myriad of benefits, both physical and mental. Here’s a look at 100 benefits of taking a seat and embracing a more relaxed approach to life.

1-10: Physical Comfort

  1. Resting Muscles: Sitting allows muscles to relax, reducing fatigue.
  2. Joint Relief: It alleviates pressure on joints, especially in the knees and hips.
  3. Spinal Alignment: Proper sitting can promote spinal health when using ergonomic chairs.
  4. Reduced Swelling: Elevating legs while sitting can decrease swelling.
  5. Lower Back Support: Good chairs provide lumbar support, helping to prevent back pain.
  6. Breathing Space: Sitting comfortably allows for deeper, more relaxed breathing.
  7. Circulation Improvement: Proper sitting can enhance blood flow.
  8. Digestive Aid: Sitting can aid digestion, especially after meals.
  9. Reduced Injury Risk: Sitting lowers the risk of falls and injuries related to standing.
  10. Comfortable Temperature: Sitting can help regulate body temperature, especially in cold environments.

11-20: Mental Health Benefits

  1. Stress Relief: A comfortable seat can help reduce stress after a long day.
  2. Mindfulness: Sitting can foster mindfulness and relaxation.
  3. Enhanced Focus: A stable seated position can improve concentration.
  4. Creative Thinking: A relaxed state can lead to bursts of creativity.
  5. Meditation Opportunities: Sitting is ideal for meditation practices.
  6. Reduced Anxiety: Comfort can lower anxiety levels.
  7. Time for Reflection: Sitting provides an opportunity for introspection.
  8. Quality Rest: Sitting can lead to a quick power nap or rest.
  9. Social Connection: Sitting with others fosters social interaction.
  10. Entertainment: A comfortable seat is perfect for enjoying movies, books, or games.

21-30: Productivity and Creativity

  1. Work Flexibility: Many jobs require sitting, enabling focused work.
… Read more
Satire
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Mobifone Vietnam Requires QR Code Wrist Implants and GPS Spine Chips

Posted byNguyen Ayi

A New Era of “Personal Freedom”

Hanoi, Vietnam – Mobifone, one of Vietnam’s leading telecommunications providers, has announced a new initiative requiring all citizens to receive a QR code tattooed on their wrists and a GPS tracking chip implanted in the base of their spines. This groundbreaking program, dubbed the “Total Connectivity Initiative,” promises to provide the ultimate in personal security and convenience.

The QR code, which will function as a third factor authentication for when you inevitably forget your password for the sixth time this week, will ensure that even if you lose your phone, your entire digital identity is just a wrist flick away. “We wanted to make digital life easier for our customers,” said Mobifone CEO, Mr. Nguyen Thanh. “With a quick scan of your wrist, you can access everything from your social media accounts to the latest state-approved cat memes!”

Of course, concerns about data privacy have been raised. Citizens have voiced worries about the potential for the communist government to access their personal information. However, Mobifone has assured the public that they will not share any data with the government. “Trust us,” said Mr. Thanh with a wink. “We promise! Cross our hearts and hope to die—well, not literally. That would be bad for business.”

The GPS chip implanted in the spine is touted as an added layer of security. “Now, you can be tracked by your friends, family, and the government all at the same time!” boasted Thanh. “What’s more fun than a little friendly surveillance? It’s like a permanent game of hide-and-seek, but without the hiding part!”

The implants, which will be administered at local Mobifone stores (conveniently located near government offices), are said to be completely painless—if you don’t count the screaming. “We’ve partnered with local doctors who specialize in ‘quick and … Read more

Satire
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Traffic Fines To Be Used For New Tea Tables

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Satire by Joe Fotalattee

Citizen’s tears making a lovely lemongrass tea

HO CHI MINH VIETNAM – The Vietnamese government has rolled out a new “poor tax” initiative through traffic fines, generating an astounding estimated $6 million USD a month. Instead of investing these funds back into community development or public services, officials have decided to tear down trees across the city to craft exquisite wood furniture and sip tea on tables made from the very roots of the city itself.

Local authorities, who have been tirelessly trying to squeeze every last dong from hardworking citizens, are thrilled at the prospect of converting city greenery into fashionable home décor. “What better way to honor our ancestors than by transforming their ancient oak trees into tea tables?” said Hoang Minh, “We’re particularly excited about the 150-year-old oak tree on Pasteur Street. It’s practically begging to be turned into a centerpiece for sipping tea while reflecting on our efficient governance!”

In a particularly heartwarming initiative, the government plans to collect and bottle the tears of citizens who lose their homes due to onerous fines for making a right turn on red. “These tears will serve as the perfect base for our new tea blend, Minh added. “It’s a bittersweet reminder of what the city was and what it will become—a true reflection of modern Vietnamese life.”

Officials are steadfast in their belief that creating furniture from trees is a more productive use of resources than, say, maintaining infrastructure or providing social services. “Why fix potholes when we can create a stunning wood end table?” exclaimed Tran Thi Hoa, head of the newly formed Ministry of Failing The Public. “We’re committed to making government as inefficient as possible so that the people truly understand the value of a wood-crafted coffee table.”

A portion of … Read more

News
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New Traffic Fines: Urban Poor Tax Chaos

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In a bold move to enrich government officials at the expense of the public, Vietnam has announced a new decree set to take effect on January 1, 2025, that will introduce exorbitantly higher fines for traffic violations. This latest initiative is being celebrated as a leap towards a “civilized lifestyle,” but many citizens are starting to suspect it’s more about filling the coffers.

Forget about running red lights or riding on the sidewalk; the real crime here is not turning in your fellow motorists. As the government dangles these new fines—some reaching a staggering VND50 million ($1,965)—over the heads of drivers like a piñata filled with cash for officials, we can expect a new era of street confrontations. Imagine the delightful chaos as drivers turn vigilante, snitching on each other for minor infractions. Traffic stops will transform into full-blown brawls, as neighbors turn against neighbors in a frenzy of finger-pointing and vehicular outrage.

The decree also prohibits turning on red lights, which means that traffic jams will become a permanent fixture in the urban landscape. Expect to spend your entire lunch hour idling at the same intersection, dreaming of the days when a simple right turn wouldn’t require a degree in patience. Increased wait times will not only lead to road rage but also to a new form of urban meditation—perhaps we’ll all learn the art of zen while stuck in gridlock.

As the fines skyrocket, so too will the financial anxiety of countless commuters. Imagine a world where yielding to pedestrians costs you an entire month’s salary. Suddenly, the decision to stop for a pedestrian at a zebra crossing becomes a high-stakes gamble, and many will simply roll the dice. After all, with fines 27-30 times higher than before, you might as well take your chances.

Supporters of this … Read more