Aries
You will be traumatized when answering a classified ad in person (and will also unwittingly expand your sexual horizons by learning that the phrase “Tranny for Sale” doesn’t always refer to a motorcycle transmission).
Taurus
There’s an old maritime proverb that states: “There’s no such thing as a favorable wind for a man who has no idea where he’s going.” There’s also no such thing as a favorable wind for a man who’s just eaten a Circle K Burrito.
Gemini
Well, right there’s your problem, Gemini. You’ve got hydraulic star fluid re-calibrating your luck rod when Pluto’s in the 6th House. But, I can’t get Ronnie on it till next week, we’re covered up. Unless you pay extra labor.
Cancer:
You will solve the global warming crisis by developing an alternative fuel source out of telemarketers, thus killing two birds with one stone and subsequently earning you the Nobel Prize for Chemistry.
Leo:
“After testing 11 other potential men, when it comes to six-month-old Shauna, Leo …You are the father.” “Now what, punk?! That’s yo baby! Now what?! Now what?! How you like me now?! You and your crazy momma both better be getting’ jobs! Yeeah! You gonna pay up! You gonna pay up!”
Virgo
Naked, you resemble a mudslide… only hairier. And, I’m sure the other 2,000 people at Le Van Tam Park will back me on that.
Libra
You will awaken to a legion of eager pilgrims at your door mere hours after your roommate posts a photo of you passed out with a chili stain on your shirt in the shape of the Blessed Virgin.
Scorpio
In the coming weeks, your life will come to resemble a bad Gregory Hines movie. But, the dancing will be much, much worse.
Sagittarius
You will be greatly unnerved by the shortage of bras and the prevalence of chilly air conditioning in the rec room of your Grandmother’s retirement home.
Capricorn
Your nude girlfriend will serve you breakfast in bed. But you will suspect ulterior motives afterwards when she folds her arms over her flapjacks, withholds her cocoa puff, and questions you about your cell phone call log, while hovering a scalding hot cup of coffee above your fruity pebbles.
Aquarius
Speaking of breakfast: This week, Aquarius, reverse the order in which you pour your bran flakes to find the optimum milk-to-cereal ratio and, therefore, a more satisfying bowl.
Pisces
Your exaggerated lisp will cause you to be smacked by a cute coworker when you joke that one day you will remember her “in a song.”
