Satire by Joe Fotalattee
Cafe Box, a modern yet sleek cafe, opened today in the Bin Chanh Ward of District 1, with an industrial theme. Owner Nguyen Chanh describes the move as groundbreaking, “We have never seen so little effort put into design and aesthetics before, as we did nothing other than gutting the building of all original soul.”
Cafe Box is not the first industrial-themed cafe in Saigon and it won’t be the last. Notable homogenized factory-inspired cafes include The Coffee House and Be Mind.
“Sure they were the first, but now there’s a multitude of options of people willing to be surrounded with concrete and glass as if they were at a human zoo or Federal minimum security prison,” said customer Tammy Pon. Pon now patronizes both the Coffee House and Cafe Box.
The best part according to Pon, is that no one even looks or talks to one another, and they all have their heads in their phones. “I think when you combine the modern look with some earbuds it is synergistic, it says “Don’t talk to me, I have no taste and no social skills.” However, many customers still choose to play their music and mean TikTok videos as loud as possible in an attempt to stand out from the zombies entering their own cafe coffins.
Chanh explained the holistic approach to his brand, “We wanted something that captured the essence of our brand. We plan on putting as much effort into the service and the product. We didn’t even buy a can of paint for this place and not a single plant. Pointing to a mold stain on the wall, “That’s the original concrete exposed there!”
Now that the local community has moved to live with the pandemic, Chanh is amazed at his continued success. “I thought people would want to be outdoors in a place with culture, but they are like moths to a flame when it comes to demanding generic, factory food establishments and indoor circulated air in the midst of a pandemic.” To be on brand and not have to serve the customers, Chanh is utilizing a 1980s drug dealer beeper method, in which the customer is handed a virus bacteria-ridden vibrating beeper like it is a Glory Hole gas station bathroom key.
Chanh thinks people are making the right decision in rejecting their culture and upgrading it to something a little more trendy, and he hopes Cafe Box fills the gaping hole with cement in Saigon’s youth’s quest for meaning.
