Aries
Ever wondered why you emit a faint stink of burned rubber? Take off your parking brake to improve both your love life and your gas mileage.
Taurus
Like a rum cake at an AA meeting, you are beset with conflicting interests. You must make a definitive choice: either keep your Grateful Dead bumper sticker or the “Trump: Still the President” bumper sticker that you have to display so daddy will continue to make your car payment. You just can’t have both.
Gemini
Gemini, you made quite a mess of your life. And you canʼt play the blues on a ukulele. I think it is time to get rid of your Jimmy Buffett paraphernalia and join the rest of us here in reality.
Cancer
You are a shining beacon of hope for Special Ed. programs everywhere.
Leo
The Moon recommends that you prune any plants you might have on the 30th of this month. (Iʼll get up with you after work, dude.)
Virgo
Psst! Hey, Virgo — your fly is open.
Libra
Here is your good deed for the week: You know that anti-abortion wack job, who harangues traffic with little plastic dead babies hanging from his suit? Take him to lunch at Bia Craft, then bolt on the check.
Scorpio
Use the coming weeks to cultivate your mustache. And while you are at it, ladies, take time to cultivate a rich spiritual life as well (I recommend the woman with pink hair and running mascara on Trinity Broadcasting Network).
Sagittarius
Some things defy description and can only be experienced in person. Head to a bia hoi on Bui Vien, and when you find yourself telling a post-menopausal seller that her left breast is hanging in your Com Tam, you know what I mean.
Capricorn
You’ve always fancied yourself a fashion maven, a few steps ahead of the crowd. Vietnam Beat challenges you to solidify your place in pop culture history by bringing back the powdered wig. We want to see them in J Crew by 2024.
Aquarius
You wonʼt get past the introduction to the South Beach Diet Cookbook before you work up an appetite and gorge yourself on fried street donuts and oily sauteed corn.
Pisces
Hang in there: the “Ride ʻem, Valentine Cowboy” novelty boxers that you wear year-round on laundry