Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There are a few tips here which will help you look up for zodiacs. This month, the stars align and create the best conditions for you to try out extreme knitting. Stop after you create a toilet paper cover doily.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Gourmet tofu food is in the works for some of you. Most of you hate the thought of it, but many of you will appreciate the lack of taste because it is something new.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Vendetta within your nature this month as you are wishing to lounge around with a reality show and create a manuscript. You can devise a concept for a reality film depicting the moving saga of your cat, but it keeps scratching off the Gopro.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This month prepare to acquire the ability to speak to your houseplants if you haven’t been trained in it already. Expect them to spill the tea on the origin of pictures and their significance. But do not let them fool you; they know nothing about romance and should not give you any advice regarding it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your innate charm will lure people towards you like a moth to a flame… Or like a pigeon towards a warm hot dog or an elevator to a fart.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are likely to realise that your mania for tidiness is contained in a positive way: a sock drawer organized by color and other witty categories! Nope, that will be the highlight of your month. No worries; the cosmos is quite happy with your efforts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The eternal thirst for harmony will take an odd turn in as much as it will morph into zany activities of riding a unicycle while juggling flaming torches. Just note, that which you seek in the way of balance may not always be available – for instance between pizza and tacos, sorry spoiler: get both!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Stock up on stress balls, February will be the starting point of a full on internal war reflective of deep intensity, as you will find yourself pondering the philosophical attributes of a singular sock you once lost in a laundry. Brace yourself, cause a new familiarity with your emotional spectrum is forecasted. This is particularly directed towards clothes and their prints.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your inner explorer will rejuvenate you in the course of your journey by opening up more distant corners like the bus stop located at the end of your street. Still you may bear the brunt of getting on a wrong bus that leads to a certain section of the city populated with many pigeons. Worry not, they are such good talkers!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This month you will have an avalanche of ambition that will rise to the degree where you will have to engage in cutthroat competition for the mantle of ‘Most Likely to Engender an Unnecessary Argument on Pizza Toppings’. Just remember: you can have pineapple relations with non-pineapple supporters until pizza shows up.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Ignition creative blocks seems dangerous—the same ask about in the shocking liquidity biological distributions of shifts and you record all his ideas on that day conspiracy theories explain in your life. Let everyone know that squirrels could control the weather.
