by Joe Fotalatte
It’s been a year and a half since we collectively decided that the universe would run just fine without our analytical input. Hunkered down in our homes, we attempted what we can only describe as a “transformative experience”—and if by transformative if you mean drinking 12 beers every night until you pass out and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, the world outside remained astoundingly unchanged. That’s right; for 18 months, we’ve confirmed: absolutely nothing was broken. Only the café on our corner in Saigon changed names three times. Like The Beat, perhaps this new modern redesign will finally make it profitable.
In light of our grand hiatus, we considered ourselves somewhat in a news blackout. After all, why report on the mundane when you can pursue the almost nonexistent? Much like reality TV, the stagnation of the news cycle led us to explore hobbies like extreme origami. Folding paper into bamboo shoots turned into a competitive adventure that involved long walks, breathing techniques, and some questionable glue-sniffing. Competitive Vegetable Sculpting led us to discover we didn’t like our Broccoli Barack once it started judging us.
After all these adventures in nothingness, we have returned to our roots with huge developments, including a new ownership of The Beat site. Hold on to your toupees! The guru of sensationalism himself, the Infowars guy, has swooped in using a secret coupon code from a coupon site, he managed to get a 30% discount and obtained our old domain—after only seven unsuccessful code attempts.
“We cannot be silenced!” he exclaimed, “The country of Vietnam will be a safe haven for our business, and it was already the source for most of our fake boner pills.”
The new ownership does not change The Beat’s mission statement. Got Saturday plans? We’ll continue to challenge the status quo with headlines like “Is sitting in a small enclosed café the best place to ride out the flu?” Under new ownership, The Beat is still dedicated to giving readers the insights of speculative journalism.