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KickBack City: Trump Golf Resort Displaces Farmers

Posted byNguyen Ayi

It is a shame this article isn’t satire

HUNG YEN, Vietnam– The Trump Organization has decided to expand its empire into Vietnam, offering local farmers a choice between a fistful of dollars and a generous helping of rice in exchange for their land. Finally, Trump is going after poor people!

The project, which is set to transform a lush farming area into a luxury golf resort, has been fast-tracked by Vietnamese authorities as they negotiate a crucial trade deal with Washington. Reminds me of that time I ran over a Vietnamese grandma with my motorbike and kept going.

Nguyen Thi Huong, a local farmer, was recently informed that she must vacate her farm for the Trump family-backed golf resort. The compensation? A mere $3,200 and some rice provisions. “Shit, I was pissed when that was my pay per month at my last International School job,” a foreigner lamented.

The golf course, which will cover a staggering 990 hectares. “The whole village is worried about this project because it will take our land and leave us jobless,” Huong said. But don’t worry, sweetheart, Trump will hire you as contractors to clear your own land, then not pay you like everyone of his other developments.

KickBack City

The local real estate company, Kinhbac City, has been dubbed “KickBack City” by locals who are not shy about expressing their skepticism. Talk about government officials rubbing the white “com” in their wrinkled grandmas’ faces. The Trump Organization will receive a $5 million fee for brand licensing rights, while the local government will handle the compensation payouts.

“Trump’s family business will run the club once completed,” a local official stated. Oh, take profits once the government finishes building it with poor people’s taxes! It is time to send Barron to a Cambodian Casino for the … Read more

FinanceNewsSatire
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Ministry of Finance Announces Recession Based on New Indicator (UAAI)

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Uncles and Aunties in Trite Arguments

By Nguyen Ayi

Ho Chi Minh City- The Ministry of Finance has decided to adopt neighborhood disputes over potted plants, trash can placements, and parking spots as official economic indicators to track the health of the economy. Ho Chi Minh City has officially entered a recession according to a new economic indicator: uncles and aunties in trite arguments (UAAI). The economic downturn has manifested itself in uncles brawling over parking spots and trash can placement, and aunties squabbling over the optimal placement of a potted plant.

Last Saturday at Tan Dinh market, two uncles, armed with nothing but their pride and a few choice expletives, engaged in a heated battle over a coveted parking space. Witnesses reported that the argument escalated quickly, with both parties resorting to slapping matches reminiscent of a cheerleading squad fighting over pompoms. “I’ve been circling this lot for 20 minutes!” shouted Uncle Nguyen, while Uncle Tran retorted, “You think you own this street? I’ve parked here since before you were born!”

As the altercation drew a crowd, it became clear that this was not just a simple disagreement over a parking spot; it was a microcosm of the city’s economic woes. The streets of Ho Chi Minh are now filled with new empty high-end coffee shops and Western-style bistros on bad credit, all of which will be out of business in six months.

In a nearby neighborhood, a group of aunties found themselves embroiled in a fierce debate over the placement of a potted plant on the corner of a communal garden. “It needs more sunlight!” insisted Auntie Mai, while Auntie Lin countered, “No, it needs to be closer to the bench for aesthetic purposes!” The argument quickly escalated, with coconut cleavers twirling through the polluted air.

This trivial … Read more

Good NewsNews
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Fake Editorial Board Pleased With Saigon’s Progress (No Joke!)

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In an effort to balance our relentless ribbing of the city’s quirks, we, the editorial board of The Vietnam Beat, have come to the revelatory conclusion that perhaps we ought to pause for a moment and acknowledge the undeniable successes of our beloved city. Yes, we’ve poked fun at the bureaucratic ballet that is our traffic enforcement, but let us not forget that Saigon is also strutting down the runway of progress, and it’s time we put down the snark and give credit where credit is due.

In recent weeks, Tuoi Tre News has been providing diligent reporting on the challenges stemming from the city’s new traffic fines. The publication has taken an admirable stance in highlighting the disproportionate impact these fines have had on the community, particularly on taxi drivers who have felt the brunt of the enforcement measures. With many drivers boycotting due to the financial strain imposed by these fines, Tuoi Tre News has played a critical role in bringing these issues to light, ensuring that the voices of those impacted are heard. Their commitment to journalistic integrity serves as a vital check on the city’s administration, reminding us all that transparency is essential for a thriving urban environment.

Moreover, it’s important to acknowledge the city’s response to these pressing concerns. In an effort to alleviate congestion and improve the flow of traffic, local officials have installed 80 new right turn signals at key intersections. This proactive measure shows a willingness to adapt and respond to the challenges presented by the recent changes in traffic regulations. By creating a more efficient traffic system, the city is taking steps toward a more navigable Saigon, demonstrating that they are listening to the community and striving to improve the urban landscape.

Additionally, let us raise our glasses (of iced … Read more

FinanceNewsSatire
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The Editor’s Friend’s Financial Burden

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Guest Editorial By Tuan Twat

The Views Expressed Here Are Not Necessarily The Views Of Vietnam Beat, Although We Probably Still Despise You As The Reader.

As I sit in my sprawling mansion—an architectural marvel that boasts seven bedrooms, an infinity pool, and a home gym that rivals the local fitness center—I can’t help but reflect on how well I’m doing. You see, despite my countless triumphs and the hundreds of thousands of dollars I rake in annually, I must lament the tragic financial plight of my family members who haven’t paid me back for that $50 I lent them three years ago. Yes, it’s true: while I am living the dream, I bear the heavy burden of their debt.

Now, I fully understand that this newspaper absolutely should not be giving me a platform to air my grievances about how privileged I am to complain. But let’s be honest—what else could you possibly want to read about? The struggles of a middle-class family trying to make ends meet? Yawn. Instead, let me tell you about my struggle with maintaining a lifestyle that includes regular visits from my housekeeper, who I swear has been using too much bleach on my marble floors.

Oh, the sacrifices I make! Just last week, I had to budget for my kids’ tuition at an elite university in the U.S., a country that is, let’s face it, a bit of a dumpster fire at the moment. I mean, who wouldn’t want their children to have the chance to develop a drug habit or start a small fire at their fourth home near UCLA? The American Dream, right? I often hear my friends in Vietnam say, “Nguyen, it must be so fulfilling to have children at such prestigious institutions!” And I respond, “Yes, but at what … Read more

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100 Benefits of Sitting on One’s Ass

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In a world that often glorifies constant activity and productivity, the simple act of sitting on one’s ass can be overlooked. However, this seemingly mundane position can offer a myriad of benefits, both physical and mental. Here’s a look at 100 benefits of taking a seat and embracing a more relaxed approach to life.

1-10: Physical Comfort

  1. Resting Muscles: Sitting allows muscles to relax, reducing fatigue.
  2. Joint Relief: It alleviates pressure on joints, especially in the knees and hips.
  3. Spinal Alignment: Proper sitting can promote spinal health when using ergonomic chairs.
  4. Reduced Swelling: Elevating legs while sitting can decrease swelling.
  5. Lower Back Support: Good chairs provide lumbar support, helping to prevent back pain.
  6. Breathing Space: Sitting comfortably allows for deeper, more relaxed breathing.
  7. Circulation Improvement: Proper sitting can enhance blood flow.
  8. Digestive Aid: Sitting can aid digestion, especially after meals.
  9. Reduced Injury Risk: Sitting lowers the risk of falls and injuries related to standing.
  10. Comfortable Temperature: Sitting can help regulate body temperature, especially in cold environments.

11-20: Mental Health Benefits

  1. Stress Relief: A comfortable seat can help reduce stress after a long day.
  2. Mindfulness: Sitting can foster mindfulness and relaxation.
  3. Enhanced Focus: A stable seated position can improve concentration.
  4. Creative Thinking: A relaxed state can lead to bursts of creativity.
  5. Meditation Opportunities: Sitting is ideal for meditation practices.
  6. Reduced Anxiety: Comfort can lower anxiety levels.
  7. Time for Reflection: Sitting provides an opportunity for introspection.
  8. Quality Rest: Sitting can lead to a quick power nap or rest.
  9. Social Connection: Sitting with others fosters social interaction.
  10. Entertainment: A comfortable seat is perfect for enjoying movies, books, or games.

21-30: Productivity and Creativity

  1. Work Flexibility: Many jobs require sitting, enabling focused work.
… Read more
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New Traffic Fines: Urban Poor Tax Chaos

Posted byNguyen Ayi

In a bold move to enrich government officials at the expense of the public, Vietnam has announced a new decree set to take effect on January 1, 2025, that will introduce exorbitantly higher fines for traffic violations. This latest initiative is being celebrated as a leap towards a “civilized lifestyle,” but many citizens are starting to suspect it’s more about filling the coffers.

Forget about running red lights or riding on the sidewalk; the real crime here is not turning in your fellow motorists. As the government dangles these new fines—some reaching a staggering VND50 million ($1,965)—over the heads of drivers like a piñata filled with cash for officials, we can expect a new era of street confrontations. Imagine the delightful chaos as drivers turn vigilante, snitching on each other for minor infractions. Traffic stops will transform into full-blown brawls, as neighbors turn against neighbors in a frenzy of finger-pointing and vehicular outrage.

The decree also prohibits turning on red lights, which means that traffic jams will become a permanent fixture in the urban landscape. Expect to spend your entire lunch hour idling at the same intersection, dreaming of the days when a simple right turn wouldn’t require a degree in patience. Increased wait times will not only lead to road rage but also to a new form of urban meditation—perhaps we’ll all learn the art of zen while stuck in gridlock.

As the fines skyrocket, so too will the financial anxiety of countless commuters. Imagine a world where yielding to pedestrians costs you an entire month’s salary. Suddenly, the decision to stop for a pedestrian at a zebra crossing becomes a high-stakes gamble, and many will simply roll the dice. After all, with fines 27-30 times higher than before, you might as well take your chances.

Supporters of this … Read more

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Dengue Fever Doesn’t Turn You Gay

Posted byNguyen Ayi

Ministry of Health Announces Dengue Fever Does Not Alter Sexual Orientation

Leading scientists have confirmed that contracting dengue fever does not, in fact, make one gay as a weatherman. The Ministry of Health’s announcement comes after months of rampant speculation of the Vietnamese youth who have been embracing fashion, dance, Taylor Swift, and having hairless, hot bods.

Those infected with dengue fever were reporting a sudden change in their sexual preferences, but doctors think in facing mortality one is more likely to gay it up if in a conservative society.”When facing death, one considers putting on their mom’s dress and hitting a drag show, and I think that’s natural, said Nguyen Pham, who recently was sucked my a mosquito. (Mosquito is his church friend’s drag name.)

Dr. Linh Thanh, the lead researcher at the Ministry of Health, stated, “We’ve conducted extensive research and can conclusively say that the dengue virus, transmitted by the Aedes mosquito, has absolutely no impact on an individual’s sexual orientation.”

Public health officials have emphasized the importance of focusing on preventive measures such as eliminating standing water and using insect repellent. “Let’s put our energy into fighting the real enemy here: mosquitoes, not our own hot man-lusting sexual identities,” commented Dr. Thinh.