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Burden Of Billions: Vietnamese Tycoons Share Their Struggles

by Joe Fotalattee

In a heartwarming display of camaraderie, Vietnam’s billionaires have recently taken to state-owned media to share the emotional toll of their immense wealth, particularly in the realm of labor exploitation via private investment schools. “It’s not as easy being a tycoon as you might think,” sighed Tran Van Phú, a prominent billionaire and owner of a conglomerate of private schools, as he deftly twirled a golden pen inscribed with the phrase “Hard Work Pays Off” inlaid with diamonds.

“It’s exhausting being this successful. While I’m enjoying my third mansion in LA, I often find myself reflecting on the burden of our success.”

Phú, alongside fellow magnates, addressed the nation about their struggles to balance profit margins with the emotional turmoil of exploiting labor. “Our schools offer ‘educational opportunities’ for underprivileged children, but have you heard about the emotional stress that comes from not providing teachers the basics like paid vacation? It haunts me. I can’t even find time to lobby for another tax break,” he lamented.

An even heavier weight: family members borrowing minuscule sums from them. “I have a niece who owes me 500,000 VND,” he continued, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “How could she do this to me?”

Nguyen Thi Mi, another billionaire who revolutionized fast fashion through sweatshop labor, chimed in. “Just last week, my cousin asked me for a small loan of 1 million VND for a school trip. I mean, can you imagine? It’s shameful! Now I have to compute interest rates based on a debt that could barely buy a pair of silk socks. How do you navigate those kinds of family dynamics while also trying to maintain a pristine real estate portfolio handed down from my grandparents?”

Luxury in a Lonely World

As they continued their confessions, it became apparent … Read more

EducationSatire
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Insurrectionists Breaking English Teaching Contracts

This article was published in coordination with presidentlardass.com, Propublica did not contribute to this article and will not return our calls.

By Joe Fotalatte

Hanoi, Vietnam –- January 6 insurrectionists who previously fled the U.S. to teach English abroad find themselves re-evaluating life decisions following rumors of a forthcoming presidential pardon. “Teaching here was supposed to be my safe harbor,” lamented Todd Flake who was photographed in Nancy Pelosi’s office with a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag wrapped around his neck. “But now, it feels like breaking my contract is harder than breaking into her office to take a dump on her desk!”

Flake’s English teaching gig had been smooth sailing at first, until he heard whispers of Trump’s plans to pardon those charged in the January 6 Capitol riot. “I thought I’d be hiding out here for a while,” he sighed. “But the idea of being pardoned feels like a chance to make a run for it back to the U.S. I might as well bring a jackhammer to my contract because, much like the Department of Education, it’s going to get obliterated!”

In a bustling café just off Hoan Kiem Lake, former rioter Mike “The Patriot” Johnson said that he never intended to leave his beloved NFL fantasy football league, yet here he was: an English teacher in Vietnam, desperately longing for touchdown updates. “I punched a cop for menacing my freedoms, and boom! Now, I’m teaching second graders about past tense verbs instead of discussing why the refs are blind as bats,” he grumbled. “I traded in my flag for a chalkboard, and the only thing I miss more than the gridiron is a good American cheese! You know, real cheese. Not that weird Happy Cow pasteurized stuff they sell here.”

Johnson reminisced about the heavenly … Read more

NewsSatire
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We’re Back: Alex Jones Saves The Beat!

by Joe Fotalatte

It’s been a year and a half since we collectively decided that the universe would run just fine without our analytical input. Hunkered down in our homes, we attempted what we can only describe as a “transformative experience”—and if by transformative if you mean drinking 12 beers every night until you pass out and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, the world outside remained astoundingly unchanged. That’s right; for 18 months, we’ve confirmed: absolutely nothing was broken. Only the café on our corner in Saigon changed names three times. Like The Beat, perhaps this new modern redesign will finally make it profitable.

In light of our grand hiatus, we considered ourselves somewhat in a news blackout. After all, why report on the mundane when you can pursue the almost nonexistent? Much like reality TV, the stagnation of the news cycle led us to explore hobbies like extreme origami. Folding paper into bamboo shoots turned into a competitive adventure that involved long walks, breathing techniques, and some questionable glue-sniffing. Competitive Vegetable Sculpting led us to discover we didn’t like our Broccoli Barack once it started judging us.

After all these adventures in nothingness, we have returned to our roots with huge developments, including a new ownership of The Beat site. Hold on to your toupees! The guru of sensationalism himself, the Infowars guy, has swooped in using a secret coupon code from a coupon site, he managed to get a 30% discount and obtained our old domain—after only seven unsuccessful code attempts.

“We cannot be silenced!” he exclaimed, “The country of Vietnam will be a safe haven for our business, and it was already the source for most of our fake boner pills.”

The new ownership does not change The Beat’s mission … Read more

News
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Lost In Smoke

By Ngyuen Ayi

A new generation is taking steps towards shorter lifespans and lifelong health problems

The prevalence of addiction among Vietnamese youth is a growing concern in society, particularly when it comes to vaping and marijuana use. The harmful effects of these substances can have detrimental impacts on the overall health and well-being of young individuals.

1: Vaping and marijuana use pose risks to the youth.

As with any addictive substance, quitting vaping and marijuana is a common desire among young individuals. It is important to note that these habits negatively impact various aspects of their health, including their heart. In fact, a significant number of heart disease-related deaths in Vietnam can be attributed to smoking tobacco and exposure to secondhand smoke.

When attempting to transition away from traditional cigarettes or marijuana use, it is not uncommon for Vietnamese youth to turn to vaping or electronic cigarettes as potential alternatives. However, it is essential to consider whether these options are indeed healthier and if they can aid in completely quitting smoking or marijuana.

2: Vaping and marijuana use can have adverse effects on heart and lung health.

Both vaping and marijuana contain harmful substances that can harm the heart and lungs. While there may be fewer toxic substances in vaping compared to smoking traditional cigarettes, the surge in lung injuries and deaths associated with vaping is a cause for concern. In Vietnam, there have been cases of severe lung injuries and deaths related to the use of vaping devices, especially those that have been modified or contain THC, a component of marijuana.

Research conducted by universities has uncovered various chemical ingredients in vape products, some of which are potentially harmful. Furthermore, the long-term impacts of vaping on physical health, especially heart and lung health, remain uncertain.

3: Vaping and Read more

CrimeNews
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Trump Is A Criminal (Source: CNN, translated)

 

Trump đã đăng ký ở Quận Fulton, lần thứ tư trong năm nay ông phải đối mặt với cáo buộc hình sự. Đây là những gì chúng tôi biết

Từ nhân viên CNN

Donald Trump trở thành cựu tổng thống đầu tiên bị bắn cốc khi ông bị quản thúc tại nhà tù Quận Fulton vào tối thứ Năm.

Trump đã bị buộc tội 13 tội danh xuất phát từ nỗ lực đảo ngược kết quả bầu cử năm 2020 của Georgia – bao gồm gian lận, cáo buộc âm mưu và xúi giục một quan chức vi phạm lời tuyên thệ nhậm chức của họ.

Đây là lần thứ tư trong năm nay cựu tổng thống phải đối mặt với cáo buộc hình sự.

Dưới đây là những điều cần biết về ngày lịch sử:

Chuyện gì đã xảy ra: Cựu tổng thống mặc bộ vest xanh đậm và cà vạt đỏ, đến nhà tù Quận Fulton vào khoảng 7:30 tối. ET. Sau khi đầu hàng, anh ta bị bắt và bị buộc tội hơn chục tội danh. Hồ sơ nhà tù liệt kê anh ta cao 6 feet 3 inch và nặng 215 pound, với đôi mắt xanh và mái tóc vàng hoặc dâu tây. Số đặt chỗ của anh ấy là P01135809. Một bức ảnh chụp cốc cũng đã được chụp.
Phát hành trái phiếu: Quá trình đặt vé được hoàn thành trong vòng chưa đầy 20 phút vì cựu tổng thống và các luật sư của ông đã thương lượng thỏa thuận trái phiếu đồng ý của ông trước khi đầu hàng. Trump đã đồng ý với khoản tiền bảo lãnh 200.000 USD và các điều kiện trả tự do khác, bao gồm cả việc không sử dụng mạng xã hội để nhắm vào các … Read more

CrimeNews
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Bản cáo trạng thứ tư: Doanh nghiệp hình sự của Trump bị buộc tội trong âm mưu gian lận bầu cử

Các cáo buộc bao gồm Lừa đảo Hoa Kỳ và cố gắng gian lận bầu cử.

161 hành vi phạm tội được trình bày chi tiết trong bản cáo trạng và bao gồm 41 tội danh bao gồm Đấu giá:

ĐỌC TOÀN BỘ CHỈ ĐỊNH GA TẠI ĐÂY

BẢN KIỆN Tòa Thượng thẩm Quận Fulton £375

Ngày: 14 tháng 8 năm 2023

Che Alexander, Thư ký Thư ký Tòa án Số 7

TÒA CAO CẤP FULTON

TIỂU BANG GEORGIA

v.v.

DONALD JOHN TRUMP

Đếm 1,5, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19,

OCGA § 16-10-20

TUYÊN BỐ VÀ BÀI VIẾT SAI

OCGA § 16-10-20

KHAI THÁC

OCGA § 16-10-70(a)

ĐẾM 1 trên 41

Đại bồi thẩm đoàn nói trên, nhân danh và đại diện cho công dân Georgia, làm theo đây

buộc tội và buộc tội:

DONALD JOHN TRUMP,

RUDOLPH WILLIAM LOUIS GIULIANI,

JOHN CHARLES EASTMAN,

ĐÁNH GIÁ RANDALL MEADOWS,

KENNETH JOHN CI-IESEBRO,

JEFFREY BOSSERT CLARK,

JENNA LYNN ELLIS,

CỬA HÀNG RAY SMITH III,

ROBERT DAVID CHEELEY,

MICHAEL A. ROMAN,

DAVID JAMES SHAFER,

SHAWN MICAH TRESI-IER VẪN,

STEPHEN CLIFFGARD LEE,

HARRISON WILLIAM PRESCOTT FLOYD,

TREVIAN C. KUTTI,

SIDNEY KATHERINE POWELL,

CATHLEEN ALSTON LATHAM,

SCOTT GRAHAM HALL, và

MISTY HAMPTON

với tội VI PHẠM TI-IE GEORGIA RICO (RACKETEER

CÁC TỔ CHỨC BỊ ẢNH HƯỞNG VÀ THAM NHŨNG) ACT, OCGA § 16-14-4(c), đối với bị cáo nói trên, với tư cách cá nhân và những người có liên quan trong việc thực hiện tội phạm, và cùng với những kẻ đồng phạm chưa bị buộc tội, ở Bang Georgia và Quận của Fulton, vào và giữa ngày 4 tháng 11 năm 2020 và ngày 15 tháng 9 năm 2022, trong khi liên kết với một doanh nghiệp, đã âm mưu và cố gắng thực hiện và tham gia một cách bất hợp pháp,

Read more
CrimeNews
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The Fourth Indictment: Trump’s Criminal Enterprise Charged In Election Fraud Conspiracy

Charges Include Defrauding The United States and attempts to commit election fraud.

161 criminal acts are detailed in the indictment and include 41 criminal counts including Racketeering:

READ THE FULL GA INDICTMENT HERE

Fulton County Superior Court INDICTMENT £375

Date: August 14, 2023

Che Alexander, Clerk of Court Clerk No. 7

FULTON SUPERIOR COURT

THE STATE OF GEORGIA

V.

DONALD JOHN TRUMP

Counts 1,5, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19,

27—29, 38-39

RUDOLPH WILLIAM LOUIS

GIULIANI

Counts 1-3, 6-7, 9,11,13,15,17,19,

23-24

JOHN CHARLES EASTMAN

Counts 1-2, 9, 11,13, 15, 17, 19, 27

MARK RANDALL MEADOWS

Counts 1, 28

KENNETH JOHN CHESEBRO

Counts 1, 9,11,13,15,17,19

JEFFREY BOSSERT CLARK

Counts 1, 22

JENNA LYNN ELLIS

Counts 1—2

RAY STALLINGS SNIITH III

Counts 1-2, 4, 6, 9, 11, 13,15, 17,19,

23, 25

ROBERT DAVID CHEELEY

Counts 1, 9,11,13, 15, 17,19, 23, 26,

41

MICHAEL A. ROMAN

Counts 1, 9, 11,13,15,17, 19

DAVID JAMES SHAFER

Counts 1, 8,10,12,14,16,18, 40

l0

11

VIOLATION OF THE GEORGIA RICO

(RACKETEER INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT

ORGANIZATIONS) ACT

O.C.G.A. § 16—14—4(c)

1

SOLICITATION OF VIOLATION OF OATH

BY PUBLIC OFFICER

O.C.G.A. §§ 16—4-7 & 1640-1

2

FALSE STATEMENTS AND WRITINGS

O.C.G.A. § 16-10-20

FALSE STATEMENTS AND WRITINGS

O.C.G.A. § 16—10-20

4

SOLICITATION OF VIOLATION OF OATH

BY PUBLIC OFFICER

O.C.G.A. §§ 16-4—7 & 16—10—1

5

SOLICITATION OF VIOLATION OF OATH

BY PUBLIC OFFICER

O.C.G.A. §§ 16—4-7 & 16—10-1

FALSE STATEMENTS AND WRITINGS

O.C.G.A. § 16—10—2’0

7

IMPERSONATING A PUBLIC OFFICER

O.C.G.A. § 16-10—23

CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT

IMPERSONATING A PUBLIC OFFICER

O.C.G.A. §§ 16—4-8 & 16-10-23

FORGERY IN THE FIRST DEGREE

O.C.G.A. § 16—9-1(b)

CONSPIRACY To COMMIT

FORGERY 1N THE FIRST DEGREE

O.C.G.A. §§ 16-4—8 & 16-9-1(b)

SHAWN MCAH TRESHER STILL 12 FALSE STATEMENTS AND WRITINGS

Counts 1, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 O.C.G.A. § 16-10—20

STEPHEN CLIFFGARD LEE 13 … Read more