By Joe FotalatteeSeoul, South Korea— The entertainment industry was left in shock, when K-Pop sensation Joon-ho “J-Hope” Park has defiantly chosen to not take his own life. Industry insiders are scrambling to comprehend how a star consistently surrounded by pressure, unrealistic beauty standards, and crippling loneliness could possibly come to the conclusion that jumping off the top of his penthouse apartment building wasn’t a good idea.
Sources close to J-Hope reveal a distressingly long list of incentives that should have prompted a tragic end. Among these are:
1. Endless Comparisons: From his stunningly perfect vocal range to his seemingly naive grin, J-Hope faces unrelenting comparisons to his fellow idols. After all, how can one contend with the jaw-dropping looks of every other K-Pop star? All you need is a toaster and a bathtub, J-Hope!
2. The Insatiable Fanbase: With millions of devoted fans demanding both flawless performances and personal interactions, the pressure should be too much. How could one respond to 10,000 fan messages a day? Wouldn’t it be easier to suck on a tailpipe for five minutes with those blowjob Botox lips, J-Hope?
3. The Whimsical Punishment of “Breakup Cutes”: In K-Pop, break up songs are just an opportunity to market a new skincare line—because nothing heals a broken heart quite like a fresh 12-step regimen. Can you imagine being a part of that genius yet miserable cycle? Time to break-up with yourself and use that Gucci belt on your neck, J-Hope!
4. Diet Culture Gone Wild: As one of the elite stars, J-Hope is expected to adhere to a diet that includes approximately 5 rice grains a day, washed down with a smoothie made of pure misery. How easy would it be to add a touch of arsenic, J-Hope?
5. The Polished Facade: With multiple plastic surgeries successfully masking his basic humanity, did he truly want to live in a world where he could no longer be the perfect robot? You’ve been under the knife so many times J-Hope, how hard would it be to go vertical on those wrists?
Contrary to expectations, J-Hope surprised fans globally by announcing on social media that he will not be joining the ranks of tragic K-Pop tales. “I had already started planning my vigil,” sighed one disheartened supporter. Mental health advocates were also in shock. “By choosing to live, J-Hope is raising the bar for all K-Pop idols everywhere. They’re supposed to be working themselves to death! This isn’t what we signed up for,” commented Dr. Yoon Ji-hee. Representatives from major labels are already convening to develop an official protocol for artists who might consider not doing humanity a favor by pulling that trigger, J-Hope.