CUPERTINO — Apple announced the incremental iPhone 17 and emphasized what truly matters: it has all the same features as an iPhone 7. “People loved the iPhone 7,” said a spokesperson while holding two devices—one made with futuristic alloys and one wrapped in rose-gold nostalgia—so closely together that customers could no longer tell whether they were looking at engineering prestige or just very expensive déjà vu. “We’re returning to the classic experience: lack of home button nostalgia, no headphone jack—we mean, classic connectivity choices—and that unmistakable feeling of paying for the future awhile receiving the past.”
Key highlights of the iPhone 17 that will feel eerily familiar to anyone who bought a phone in 2016:
-AI Integration: Remove all the flaws from your life before you present a photo, and that deep loneliness and depression will hardly be visible on your profile.
– Home button functionality: Just turn on accessibly options and you are back in a decade not run by billionaire dictators.
– Water resistance: Meets exactly the same conditions required by a rainy day and a minor coffee spill, but let’s face it: it is a priceless feeling of security while taking a dump.
– Camera experience: Achieve “focused minimalism” with accompanied by a $99 filter pack in the App Store, and enjoy the new feature of not having to put your phone in Landscape mode. Pay two grand to not turn your hand.
– No headphone jack: A design choice so timeless it was brought full circle and then politely re-introduced via an accessory sold separately.
– Battery life: Comparable to an emotional commitment from 2016 — solid for a day if you don’t try very hard, a device surely to outlast your failing marriage as you both scroll mindlessly.
– Touch ID vibes: Fingerprint-inspired nostalgia optimized by a dramatic marketing narrative about human connection, plus the screen won’t leave any blemishes from your whores.
– A slightly larger screen for a slightly more immersive way to ignore your notifications.
– An A19 chip that promises efficiency and is definitely fast enough for whatever single-app trance you prefer.
– An “improved” camera system that takes 48MP photos and then compresses them into perfectly shareable, algorithm-pleasing thumbnails.
Early reviewers found the iPhone 17 refreshingly familiar. One wrote: “It’s like meeting an old friend who went through a midlife crisis, got a divorce, and then bought the same sports car he had in college.” Another praised Apple for addressing modern demands by keeping the parts that made people really feel like they owned something—namely, a recurring urge to buy new accessories.
Pre-orders began last month, with pricing structured to remind customers that nostalgia has a premium. Apple declined to comment on whether the iPhone 7 itself would receive a surprise firmware update encouraging users to upgrade into a slightly shinier déjà vu.